One of those days……



This morning I had a meeting with The Walrus, minus his new assistant, Wee Lassie. Wee Lassie is not a reference to her being a dog, more of where she comes from. Which is Scotland. She is lovely, jet black long hair, elfin face, pale white skin and a great figure. She is 25, therefore I am firmly in the realms of GoGB crisis. I should concentrate when she’s there, but I guess for purely genetic reasons I just can’t! Anyway before I digress into a spiral of mid life crisis - I was spared this dilemma this morning because she wasn’t around. The Walrus interrupted me at every possible opportunity, didn’t listen to anything I said, sponged a coffee from me and sat there with his vast belly showing through an undone button in his shirt. I don’t remember finishing a sentence. After 15 minutes of a 90 minute scheduled meeting I was starting to lose my patience with him to the point where I wanted to walk away or smack him one, but then the phone rang. It was The Mysterious M – I was never so glad to have to answer the phone to my boss! His message was short and sweet - I now own the relationship with Big Telephone Company and Desperate Dan Ltd (they won the tender against all odds for outsourcing some of our work) and I will also be picking up my new team in around 3 weeks.



Within seconds of saying “Thanks M” I realised my opportunity here. The phone was dead but I carried on an imaginary conversation along the lines of



Jack: OK M, but I’m sure we covered that off

The Imaginary M: silence



Jack: Well, if you say so, but can it really be that urgent?

The Imaginary M: silence



Jack: You’re asking me to shelve a lot of plans for today…

The Imaginary M: silence



Jack: Well, I guess if Big Chief wants it done I have no choice…what…he asked specifically for me…well I suppose that’s a compliment then

The Imaginary M: silence



Jack: OK M, I’ll get right on it, I’m sure no-one will mind me cancelling meetings for the next 2 days…

The Imaginary M: silence



Jack: See you in 5 minutes for the full debrief then….

The Imaginary M: silence

The Walrus: Listen mate, it sounds like you’ve got bigger fish to fry…..I’ll leave you to it….Good Luck…and if you need any help…well you know….I’m always happy to help you



And with that he was gone.



And was it my imagination but was he looking sad and lonely?



I feel guilty



Why?



He was a complete pain, rude, ignorant, arrogant and judgemental. Am I getting soft? Even 3 months ago I wouldn’t have given a shit and would have said something (diplomatically) to his face, but now I’m reduced to false phone conversations. What the fuck is happening? Should I call him and tell him the truth? What happens next time if he is like this? Or does he know the truth and didn’t want to hurt my feelings?



Management Gobbledygook Bollocks talk…



Try this for size, this is the latest from Big Chief (two levels above The Sandman)

Summer is here... We have had a bad run in May in terms of keeping all the systems up and in-service; hopefully we will have a better June. The financial results for April and May are stable but not quite hitting the mark at the top line, but seem OK at the bottom line. Today we will sit as the investment committee in order to significantly reduce the number of active, inactive and proposed projects …wish us luck... we have never been terribly successful at this... Why ... to focus and increase efficiency….and effectiveness. Even though we have more CAPEX than ever before, the number of projects contending for investment and resource commitment for technology and humans is higher than ever before, and even though we never reduce the total number of projects to exactly fit the budget (because projects often under spend against the business case)... we need to get a bit closer and to leverage more synergies from our global positioning within a UK context.



Clear? Concise? Inspiring?



Or just complete bollocks?



Later, Grocerjack