More Corporate Gobbledygook bollocks talk of the highest quality…....



Can anyone decipher what the fuck this pile of wank garbage company shite talk is about? I have edited it slightly to remove any obvious references to The Company or people, in a kind of GrocerJack arse and job preservation manner, but this is the body of a genuine email sent to all of our department.





"Dear all,



Update from Anonymous Suit (Corporate Planning and Performance Director)

Thank you for all your support with the Future Way Ahead Project Alignment exercise. Thanks to the comprehensive response from all parts of the business, we have managed to collect and review over 900 templates. The next stage is to work with the Initiative Owners and Initiative Leads to make decisions on whether the mapped projects should be integrated, refined & integrated, or discontinued. Given the inputs so far we believe that we can now accelerate and simplify our information capture process. We will only need Template 2 to be completed in the following circumstances:



• For all projects currently unmapped to any of the 23 Initiatives, template 2 will be issued to you (PSTSO will send to Project Sponsor) w/c 2nd June for completion by 16th June.

• If, following review with the initiative owner / lead, further information is required (Template 2 will be issued on a project by project basis as necessary)



This will significantly reduce the burden on you and your teams in providing information to this process. Updated copy of our outline process and timetable:



Template 2

Following a change to the process, we now no longer require a Template 2 for all our projects submitted by our PM's.



Sponsor re-alignment

All projects have been Sponsored by Exec level Sponsors only, we now have the opportunity to align to the true project Sponsor which may be the domain head or senior manager in a team. The current Sponsors for a large number of our projects have reviewed the list and have made suggestions on who is true project Sponsor. This work will communicated next week as part of Template 2 process and updates to follow next week.



Timesheet code - IMPORTANT

Please encourage all your teams to book any time we are spending on this alignment project to TSheet code PTW_002816 Future Way Ahead Mobilisation This will ensure we can track the cost and disruption to normal activity as we focus on sorting out the future.



Regards,



Company Corporate Communications"



God fucking help us if we are employing people to produce this sort of gobbledygook corporate bollocks talk.



Just a quick post in a sea of excessive golfing, footie watching and Guinness drinking. Plus a bit more study of the philosophy of Darwinism, which apparently at its most extreme seems to imply that men are genetically disposed to shag loads of attractive women in order to increase the chances of their genes being carried into the future, and women are genetically disposed to try and ensnare those men who will provide a better future for the children and them (by being rich?). To be honest it’s an eye opener, and the definite implication is that we can’t help acting upon our genetic traits. And I have always said that men have primeval urges to letch and look at other women, now maybe I have the back up of the scientific community :-)



Later, Grocerjack