I can't believe the news today....



Who would believe it? ....Unbelievable! ......A travesty!..... A tragedy!....... Disgraceful!...... The Government should do something! ........I blame Tony Blair! .........Just another example of how Labour are screwing this country up! ............It's all about big business in the end etc etc (ad infinitum...)



Or in my own particular case...thank fuck, good riddance and who gives a shit.



Yes folks, apparently that kindly old man and serial altruist Bernie Ecclestone has called time on Formula 1 in the country of its birthplace (err...that being England....oh Ok fucking Britain then). The comments above are just paraphrased from what I heard on 5 Live and some of the dickheads....sorry...petrolheads in the office (frankly I think I was right first time) in reaction to this allegedly monumental news. Now, I am sorry if this upsets anyone (but it's my blog and I'll write what I damn well like!) but I cannot bring myself to be the slightest bit sorry about the loss of this so called sport, with overpaid pampered drivers, driving virtually automated machines in a procession around the track. A sport where "team orders" destroy individual ability or undermine what comparatively little skills these automatons have. A sport which thinks nothing of charging a minimum of £150 to watch on the day and some hideous price to watch the practice runs or the qualifying rounds. I've said it before, it's hardly spectator friendly is it? I would have as much fun plonked on a deck chair on the side of the M25. And it'd be free!



And before anyone says "Oh yeah and golf is exciting is it.." in a sarky manner....well actually yes it fucking is. The Ryder Cup was genuinely exciting, as were the Majors, often going to the last day...remember the British Open? Plus, its a sport anyone can play, from rich to poor, male to female, brilliant to duffer, old or young, black or white, short, tall, fat, thin, blind (yes blind), deaf, disabled, clever, stupid or even the likes of me. Hmmm...how many F1 drivers fit into the categories above other than young, tall, rich, male and white....huh answer me that! But a set of clubs can be had for around £50 (second hand) or for £100 including bag, trolley and balls from Argos, and a round for as little as £10 in some places. And every course can challenge the best to the worst. Oh yeah...lest we forget... a handicapping system allowing players of any ability to be pitched against each other, meaning that theoretically I could beat Colin Montgomerie in a one off game (admittedly I'd still have to kneecap him or tie his arm behind his back to do this but...theoretically it is possible)



How much more fucking inclusive can you get?



And for golf, you can add football, rugby and even the biggest knobber sport of Tennis to that list.



However, my friends, with good old F1 things are a tad different. I used to think it wasn't possible to drive an F1 car without giving blow jobs to Team Owners and Managers, being bought up on the streets of Rio, or being a rich loaded public schoolboy with loaded parents or a knobber playboy with a death wish and a small dick. But I was wrong...for the princely sum of £1200 (yup 1200 bars, sovs, nicker) I can have a weekend at Mallory Park (who, where?), several meals, a night in a hotel (whoopy fucking do) , a ride in some cars (including a hot hatch...didn't I used to do that at 16?), with the climax (sic) of 8 laps in a genuine F1 car...yeah...a genuine F1 car...no honest guv..its genuine....fresh from Monza. At £1200 it's hardly something one can partake in every weekend though is it? And how genuine can this car be if their willing to allow any sad fucking boy (or girl) racer to get behind the wheel and drive it after a days "familiarisation"? Hmm...don't the real drivers have to do years at lower levels of motorsport, live a life of paucity (yeah right), struggle through adversity, indulge in large amounts of arslikhan etc etc (ad infinitum). Oh yeah, and there is no option to just book the driving bit....nah..there wouldn't be would there. After all, we don't want Darren turning up on his 18th birthday after a night on the WKD, in his F reg Ford Fiesta XR2, ready for a drive do we?



Oh yeah...Prix is French for price...so the translation of Grand Prix is "Big Price"...how very ironic.



So, I won't apologise for this tirade because I think the whole alleged "sport" is rubbish, contrived and corrupt. But worse than that it's boring boring boring.



So farewell then F1 in Britain...it's a wonder you lasted this long.



I am off now to strike a multi million pound deal with ITV for the rights to the Weekly M25 Round London Scramble, sponsored by the Ministry of Transport and held every Friday Night at around 5 'o' clock in the evening. I believe they have several other events there every day as well for those who want to secure the rights. The worst of it is....some people would probably actually pay for this!



Finally.......it's hard to write in the day amongst the sea of "swimlanes" so posts will probably be evening oriented from now on. And don't even start me on RAG Status Reports to add to the KPI reporting!



PPS Finally......Big cheers for the Mighty Blues as they rolled Porto aside last night. Professional, tidy and ultimately ruthless. Bring on CSKA Moscow (who will lose because Roman Abramovich will order them to!). And yes, I watched the game all the way and we won. The experiment continues.....



Later, my friends, later, GrocerJack

This Weeks Work of Art - conscious that this has lapsed since I went on holiday so back comes this occasional series whereby I display my favourite works of Art for your enjoyment or for you to despise, but hopefully never be apathetic about. This is by Gustav Klimt - The Kiss, 1907-08, oil on canvas. It has been variously described by some as the most romantic painting of all time, but if you look carefully I think it is actually a real scary picture, or a real warning of something sinister. Does she look happy? Does she really enjoy this apparent close attention? What hold does the bloke have over her..is it love...or some other darker force...such as fear? Excellnet stuff and someone I am just discovering as a thought provoking and challenging artist. Later, GrocerJack
 

Men and Women.......



I don't normally do Monday posts as the weekend is never that interesting, however a good 1-0 away win for the Mighty Blues at Middlesbrough warmed things up after a top night in Old Pub on Friday (New Pub still hasn't worked out what the fuck it needs to get the real locals in) and a semi-decent game of golf yesterday capped off a nice relaxing weekend. Told you it was dull but I like dull...dull is good...dull means no nasty surprises.



Anyway, my thanks to Private Godfrey for this - its probably done the rounds but I haven't seen it before.



How to make a woman happy?



It's really not difficult... To make a woman happy; a man only needs to be :

1. a friend

2. a companion

3. a lover

4. a brother

5. a father

6. a master

7. a chef

8. an electrician

9. a carpenter

10. a plumber

11. a mechanic

12. a decorator

13. a stylist

14. a sexologist

15. a gynaecologist

16. a psychologist

17. a pest exterminator

18. a psychiatrist

19. a healer

20. a good listener

21. an organiser

22. a good father

23. very clean

24. sympathetic

25. athletic

26. warm

27. attentive

28. gallant

29. intelligent

30. funny

31. creative

32. tender

33. strong

34. understanding

35. tolerant

36. prudent

37. ambitious

38. capable

39. courageous

40. determined

41. true

42. dependable

43. passionate



All this WITHOUT forgetting to:

44. give her compliments regularly

45. love shopping

46. be honest

47. be very rich

48. not stress her out

49. not look at other girls



And at the same time you MUST also:

50. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself

51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself

52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes



It is VERY important to:

53. Never to forget: * birthdays* anniversaries* arrangements she makes



How to make man happy? :



1. Shag him

2. Leave him in peace



I did think of some others that make a man happy such as "don't ask for a cuddle after a shag" or don't ask him for some of his chips. I'm sure there are probably more....



Later, GrocerJack

Wise Words from the worlds greatest songwriter….



The monkey sat on a pile of stones

And he stared at the broken bone in his hand

And the strains of a Viennese quartet rang out across the land

The monkey looked up at the stars

And he thought to himself

Memory is a stranger, history is for fools

And he cleaned his hands in the pool of holy writing

Turned his back on the garden and set out for the nearest town



Hold on! Hold on soldier!

When you add it all up the tears and the marrowbone

There's an ounce of gold and an ounce of pride in each ledger

And the Germans killed the Jews

And the Jews killed the Arabs

And the Arabs killed the hostages

And that is the news

And is it any wonder that the monkey's confused?



He said Mama Mama the President's a fool

Why do I have to keep reading these technical manuals

And the joint chiefs of staff and the brokers on Wall Street said

Don't make us laugh you're a smart kid

Time is linear, memory's a stranger, History's for fools

Man is a tool in the hands of the great God Almighty

And they gave him command of a nuclear submarine

And sent him back in search of the Garden of Eden



Can't you see?

It all makes perfect sense

Expressed in Dollars and Cents

Pounds, Shillings and Pence

Can't you see?

It all makes perfect sense



Little black soul departs in perfect focus

Prime time fodder for the News at Nine

Darling is the Child warm in bed tonight



Can't you see?

It all makes perfect sense

Expressed in Dollars and Cents

Pounds, shillings and pence

Can't you see?

It all makes perfect sense



(Roger Waters, Perfect Sense parts 1 and 2, Amused to Death, 1992)



And seemingly even more applicable today. If you get the chance to listen to this track (Parts 1 and 2), then it becomes even more poignant.



More later, GrocerJack (and they will be happier…. I promise)

Those who live by the sword......



I really wanted to write something cheerful and perhaps even funny because it seems to me my postings have been a bit whingy lately. However, bearing in mind the current situation with the British hostage in Iraq anything like that seems a bit trite. Perhaps its just me, because generally my mood is pretty "up" at the moment. Work is going well, despite the swimlanes, roadmaps, strategy documents, RAG status reports and KPI's so I can't find anything remotely good enough for a savaging on the blog from that usually reliable source. After this post perhaps I'll try and ignore what's going on in the world because I can't help but feel duty bound to write and comment on what I see and hear, and that doesn't necessarily make for good reading. The last thing I really want is to make this blog as miserable and depressing as Eastenders.



Tonight I watched the videos of the American hostages being ......well murdered is the only term....no, make that brutally and savagely murdered by ...well ....(and I apologize for the language but it sums up the depth of feeling).....a bunch of Terrorist Cunts. These TC's (to save writing the C word which I use frequently with mates on the golf course but NEVER with anyone else) are psychopathic motherfuckers and the only thing that I can think of is that we don't even attempt to take them alive but we kill them using the alleged methods of Black Jack Pershing. It's extreme but I can't see any way forward in dealing with people allegedly holding no fear of death. And I apply this only to the TC's killing people arbitrarily in the name of some warped translation of the writings of the holy book of one of the worlds great faiths.



This is the story -



HOW TO STOP ISLAMIC TERRORISTS...... it worked once in our History...

Once in U.S. history an episode of Islamic terrorism was very quickly stopped. It happened in the Philippines about 1911, when Gen. John J. Pershing was in command of the garrison. There had been numerous Islamic terrorist attacks, so "Black Jack" told his boys to catch the perps and teach them a lesson.

Forced to dig their own graves, the terrorists were all tied to posts, execution style. The U.S. soldiers then brought in pigs and slaughtered them, rubbing their bullets in the blood and fat. Thus, the terrorists were terrorized; they saw that they would be contaminated with hogs' blood. This would mean that they could not enter Heaven, even if they died as terrorist martyrs.

All but one was shot, their bodies dumped into the grave, and the hog guts dumped atop the bodies. The lone survivor was allowed to escape back to the terrorist camp and tell his brethren what happened to the others. This brought a stop to terrorism in the Philippines for the next 50 years.

Pointing a gun into the face of Islamic terrorists won't make them flinch.

They welcome the chance to die for Allah. Like Gen. Pershing, we must show them that they won't get to Muslim heaven (which they believe has an endless supply of virgins) but instead will die with the hated pigs of the devil.



It seems this story may be apocryphal as any hard evidence is disputed but if we are fighting fanatics with no fear of death and unless that death is tainted in some way then we cannot beat them. If we made death a fearsome prospect (as it is for us, especially if untimely to brutal) by adopting a methodology such as this, then doesn't this act as a possible deterrent?



Before anyone screams "Islamaphobe" or "racist" lets get one thing straight. I will stand by the right of any person to practice any faith they like, providing it causes no harm to myself or others. All I am advocating is using an extreme method of death which puts terror into the hearts of terrorists. Faith should be a personal thing only to be shared amongst those who also follow it, or those who have no objection to its practice. I do not believe in indoctrinating people in any faith, by any method. If they want to follow it then let them learn about the options themselves, perhaps by the teaching in school of their existence but with no secular bias, like the French do. I do believe that most Muslims are peaceful, caring people who want to worship their God and live good and meaningful lives in conjunction with others of different faiths (even Judaism). The same goes for most Christians, Buddhists and Hindus. However, terrorism against innocent people, with no militaristic connections has no part of any religion and that is also the truth about Islam. What we see is the warped translation of the Koran (Qu'ran?) by fanatical pyschopaths with agenda's and motives known only to themselves. And lets also get this straight...fundamental Christians are as bad...and George W is a fundamental Christian. What we are seeing is a repeat of the Crusades being fought out by minority wings of each religion (Georgie Boy from the Christian side, Zarqawi/Bin Laden on the other,) where the majority of each lives side by side, sometimes easily, sometimes uneasily but they do not willingly kill the innocents of the other side. How did these idiots gain such prominence. How did the respective religions allow such zealots to gain such followings?



Surely the great and the good within the "Arab Nation" can root out their own troublemakers and prevent the seemingly inevitable path to self destruction they're being dragged down. Surely it is in their economic and cultural interests to co-exist peacefully with the West? Surely the American people can see the fool in charge for what he is, and the damage being done to the name of America in all areas of the world? Surely, they'll vote to put someone in charge who REALLY KNOWS what the horror of war is FIRST HAND and knows it is a last resort, not a first resort. Surely, they'll vote for someone who seems keen to take a proud nation and return it to a caring and generous nation, genuinely protecting the innocent and not just the business community. A man who wants to release their country from the grip of Middle Eastern oil and help them look elsewhere for their energy needs? Surely common sense will prevail somewhere.....



And so I put forward the view that when these terrorists are found they are shot with bullets impregnated with pigs fat or pigs blood. If they are tried and sentenced to death, then that death should be similarly tainted. They should know that their belief of what follows death will actually be the realization of their worst fears and not their greatest aspirations. Then perhaps they will learn that democracy, no matter how flawed is still the fairest political system the world knows today, and the best and most effective way of changing what you don't like.



Later, Grocerjack

Knobbers in cars....



So I'm driving to work this morning when a member of The Fucking Bastards (see my cast list for details) is driving his tractor along the road I use when leaving the village. This Knobber is travelling slow, even for a Dingle Tractor Driver, my guess is about 3mph or just barely above stall speed in my car. Just behind him about 6 inches or so is another knobber from The Fucking Bastards, a 20-ish male driver. He is driving a lime green , barely legal, battered old Peugot 106 and seems happy to be following Numbnuts Dingle at snails pace. I then decide to execute a perfectly legitimate manouvre generally known as OVERTAKING. Patently this is something yet to be experienced by Young Knobber, that is being the overtakee. Undoubtedly when he's showing off to Shazza or Trace he is often the overtaker, when he can find a straight enough road to get the half mile or so his motor would need to pass a motor mower. Anyway I am just gliding effortlessly past him and have my car about 3 feet in front on the opposite side of the two lane road (Christ I'm sounding like a copper now...at least I haven't said "the vehicle was proceeding..."). when Young Knobber decides to also overtake Numbnuts Dingle. Yep, straight into the side of my car. Wanker. I pulled over and the details have been swapped and he knew he'd done wrong. Didn't make the start of my day any better though did it? Anyway, the damge is from the front wheel arch all along the car to the back wheel arch, nicely dented, scratched and gouged. Mirror shatter and in pieces, indicator bulb on front panel now lying on the roadside somewhere. Around £2k if my estimate is right. Twat.



The moral? Chill out, avoid Numbnut Dingle Tractor drivers (in league with lorry drivers if you ask me), and always, always assume that Young Knobbers are clueless, witless, shitnecks who you wouldn't trust to run a bath , let alone drive a car. I will from now on....



Later, GrumpyGrocerJack

Well done to "Our Boys!".....










Well done to the Europena Ryder Cup team - I don't want this to dwarf the article below about the late, great Clougie but as a golfer....nay....as a a sports fan this was a superb victory, on a par with winning a world cup in footie. If Tone and gang can't get the "Euro" spirit into the people then this certainly came close. In my "anti-Europe" local, where I bang a very lonely pro-Europe drum, everyone was gripped and cheering the guys on. Apparently it wasn't big news in the US, but that's because of the fact that



a.)they lost,

b.)it wasn't a competition between only US citizens and...

c.)it involved a little place they barely know exists (that'd be Europe then!)



Sweetest moment was Monty, who after years of putting up with the hate mob and their purile (but slightly funny) Mrs Doubtfire gags, and after a traumatic year personally was the one to hit the winning putt and in doing so shove a large one right up America's pipe, Later, GrocerJack