Scary fuckers

Last year on holiday in Florida we were right smack bang in the path of Hurricane Charley, itself a Cat 5 storm although nowhere near as big as Katrina and Rita. Being a Brit I had no idea what a real hurricane was like but it did confirm one thing - the great storm of 1987 was NOT a hurricane. I did the decent British thing as Charley approached and then went right through us.

I got pissed and video'd it!

Well, we're fucking hard us Brits ain't we!

Plus had I stayed sober it would have scared the living shit out of me even more and I'd have been role model Dad, trembling in the corner and sobbing the word "doomed...we're all doomed" in the style of a Cockney version of Private Fraser from Dads Army.


Even now when I look back at the video's, I just shake my head and think....what a fucking knob I was. Objects hurling down the street and over the villa, wind speeds of 150 miles and hour, horizontal rain that STUNG because of its speed.

All I can say is I hope Rita miraculously misses the population areas and the damage is minimal. Mind you, the evacuation has been better controlled.....nothing to do with Bush being a Texan i suppose?

Later, GrocerJack

They're Back

A good year for the BBC , at least in terms of quality programme making. The resurgent and excellent Doctor Who series proved beyond doubt that programmes for the whole family are still feasible and can be sure-fire ratings winners without being saccharine coated dross. And last week we saw the start of the new series of the marvellous Spooks, with a two part edge of the seat "bombs in London" chiller followed by this weeks far right political based story. I watched next weeks episode on BBC3 last night and it too was a superb story, well told and well acted. I don't think many Muslims will be happy at the way they are portrayed, but hey I don't suppose many Tories and other right wing politicians and sympathisers would be happy at this weeks portrayal of them. The fact that this program, which is exaggerated, will draw criticism from all sides just means that the makers have hit the target yet again.

Later, GrocerJack

Shut the Fuck Up....

Is it just me or is anyone else sick of the self administered blow-job that ITV is giving itelf for still broadcasting mostly bollocks after 50 torturous years? Night after fucking night of self congratulatory fellatio from a company that graced our screens with Crossroads, The Darling Buds of May, Trippers Day, Love Thy Neighbour (and a whole unceasing host of anti-sitcoms), Footballers Wives, World of Sport (featuring such highly esteemed sports as Dutch Canal Jumping, Trick Cycling and the New York Firemans Championship), Bad Girls, Albion Market, TV's Funniest Animals, Mr & Mrs, Blind Date....the dross list just goes on and on..... just too much shite for the normal brain to contemplate. Yes, there have been gems in there (Cracker, Prime Suspect, Cold Feet, The Persuaders - just for the marvellous John Barry theme tune - to name .....er.....four) but they have been very much the exception and nowadays the channel seems intent on following the path of cheap celebrity based reality TV.

I'm so glad I'll not be around for the Centenary to witness ITV conduct some self imposed rimming no doubt.......although knowing my luck.......

Later, GrocerJack

This is The News.......

Reports are reaching JackNews Corp that a reknowned Cocaine user has been shamefully exposed as a Super-model. The well known Cocaine snorter Kate Moss was snapped wantonly parading the catwalks at this years Milan, Paris, New York and London Fashion Weeks in a brazen attempt to peddle the heinous "haute couture" creations on behalf of evil Fashion Dealers such as Kunt Lagerfuck, Stella McCuntney, Yves St Laurwank, Vivienne Wankwood and Jean Paul Cuntier. It's long been suspected that many famous narcotics consumers have had shady links with this evil sub world, especially after allegedly former Cocaine uber-user Naomi Campbell was also exposed as a collaborative pawn in the evil doings of the "fashion industry".

It is now believed that there are many other suspected famous drug dependent superstars who will soon be exposed as peddlers of Fashion Filth, hitting at the very core of people used to buying clothes from M&S and Matalan, using their superstardom and innocent Class A drug habits to be part of an industry undermining every decent persons sense of colour co-ordination, flair and ability to wear clothes appropriate to the occasion at a sensible price. Reports indicate that many Dealers will now drop Kate Moss as a symbol of their products in order to distance themselves from being linked with "haute couture", and to re-establish their links to their core customers of kids and teenagers hanging around street corners, dressed by parents in cheap tat, and self absorbed media knobbers, journalists and middle managers still sucking corporate cock as they climb the greasy pole to success

In a late twist it also appears that single mother and snorter supreme, Kate has also been romantically involved with another famous drug user, fellow D-List snorter and needle-surfer Pete Doherty. It is alleged that he has links with the Music Industry, a reknowned bolthole itself for high profile drug users.

In the opinion of JackNews Corp, Pete Doherty may be a lot of things, but musician. Nah. No fucking way could anyone confuse him with being that.

Later, CharlieJack

Lost in BollocksBiz

This may sound like another anti-Septic posting (thats Septic as in Septic Tank = Yank) and it isn't really.

No, honestly guv. I loved my visit to the US last year. I enjoyed the differences in perceptions of scale and sie, the differences in culture, the paradox of a country where porn is legal but beer can't be advertised on TV and you can't buy an alocholic drink for someone who isn't physically by your side in a bar in case you give it to a minor. I loved the cheap fuel, the "nothing is impossible" attitude, the low quality/high volume food. the weather - hot sunny days broken by violent thunderstorms and the occasional Hurricane. It was an enlightening and positive experience and , yeah, I'd go again and will when the money is right.

No, this is just sheer disbelief and amazement a a country that can generate such fuckwits as actress Renee Zellweger and her soon to be dismissed husband, country singer Kenny Chesney (famed for his alleged hit song "She Thinks My Tractors Sexy). They married 4 months ago on a beach in the Virgin Islands but have yesterday announced the marriage is to be annulled on grounds of his "fraud". Well, today on the BBC News website she had gone further by asking for privacy during this "sad period" - I urge you to read the full report here.

Now this already smacks of the usual Hollywood, lost in showbiz, artistic sensitivities, unreal word arse-wank talk we've all seen before. but what really caught my eye was this statement

US TV show Entertainment Tonight reported a further joint statement saying the split was due to "the miscommunication of the objective of their marriage at the start".

"Renee and Kenny value and respect each other and are saddened that their different objectives prevent the success of this marriage," it said, according to Entertainment Tonight.

What? They didn't understand the objectives of marriage? They had different objectives? Their objectives weren't aligned? My God, they didn't have a Marriage Project Initiation Document, A Marriage Project Mandate, A Marriage Lifecycle Plan, a Marriage Development & Test Plan, with a full and comprehensive Marriage Implementation Plan and Post-Marriage Support Contract?

Forgive me here, but I kind of expected that most people in the world understood the concept of marriage (at least the religious definition) and its...ahem.....objectives. You know, the old fashioned one of finding someone you love, having that love returned, committing to each other for life, having kids, building a life together, in sickness and health, richer and poorer etc etc.

Now accepting that this idealistic concept does go wrong, bad choices are made, temptation steps in, distrust or boredom intervene, familiarity breeds contempt or just that peoples ideals, morals, needs and views change over time we all know that marriages fail. But I've never heard anyone, but anyone say "we didn't understand what was expected" or "we didn't know what marriage was for".

Nope, I've heard "he/she had an affair or affairs", "He/she keeps abusing me physically or mentally", "we grew apart", "He/she has changed", "Fate meant I met someone else and fell in love with them".........but "the mis-communication of the objective of the marriage from the start" is just a fantastic piece of legalistic public relations spin that Alastair Campbell would be proud of.

One things for sure, America still knows how to produce outstanding comedians.

Later, GrocerJack

Stupidity Reigns...or at least it could

My last two posts were intended to be well intentioned gentle pokes at our transtlantic buddies and their reknowned lack of knowledge about other continents, countries and cultures. However, reading the lovely Alexa's site pointed me to this American absolute stinking pile of radical christian fuckwit rhetoric from someone as dangerous in thought and motive as Osama Bin Laden. Pat Robertson and his ilk frighten the shit out of me because watered down versions of him can get to power. George Bush is just the start, and he's another religious fruitcake whose thought train is not a million miles from Pat RobertsCunt. Just think of how many will actually believe this bollocks? A million, 2 million? America can be a very scary place sometimes.

Muslim fundamentalists are mad and dangerous, but imagine someone like this with access to the Fire button! Bowel loosening stuff huh?

Later, GrocerJack

American Geography Lesson 2

Still true!