Mansions to Palaces

Time to move

More corporate silliness abound at The Company as we now move under the command of our new boss. I liked the Belgian Billyboy, he was brusque but despite being from Belgian he had a sense of irony and understood cynicism and sarcasm, which are generally very British traits.

But now I have a new threat manager. Don’t get this wrong I still report to The Master, but now instead of BillyBoy, we have Mr Blonde.

I'm sure the fact that his wife works in HR has had no bearing or gave any interview advantage when he applied for the role as Big Boss Of The Business and Customer Stroking Department.

Why Mr Blonde? Well, film aficionados will know Mr Blonde as the smiling, vindictive, sadistic assassin in the introductory masterpiece of Hollywood’s “enfant terrible” Quentin Tarantino’s Reservoir Dogs (well he was the "enfant terrible" when it was released!) . Watch the film to understand Mr Blonde’s persona.

Especially the torture scene.

Well, Mr Blonde came in just before Christmas all smiling and saying the usual things about how much he was looking forward to working with us…blah, blah, blah…you know the spiel by now. On that day he even declared himself a Chelsea fan…….”Born and bred in SW6” to quote him. Blimey, I thought…things are looking up. But I should have known better.

The reality is somewhat different and since then he has almost been invisible to us all, bar one "team briefing" which announced nothing, amnd a spot at a recent "leadership update" session. All this talk of Leaders makes me wonder if I'm living in North Korea...perhaps the Beach Babe should now be called Dear Leader....yeah..I like that. Anyway, presumably Mr Blonde had hidden away as he strives to build his new organization under the current “transformation” of the business.

Something doesn’t ring right here for me. A man who doesn't communicate with anyone can't be a good thing. Something tells me we’ve just witnessed the arrival of the psychopathic assassin who is making jokes with you one minute and then gunning you down in cold blood the next.

Watch this space for more information on whether I dodge the bullet or not.

Anyway this weekend saw the first move from Mr Blonde as we all moved to the Corporate HQ Palace from our previous home in Technology Mansions, located in a stereotypically bland Business Park on the outskirts of town. Technology Mansions was a bit more rough and ready and much less salubrious than Corporate Palace. Plus, having worked there for around 90% of my tenure with The Company it’s fair to say there weren’t many I didn’t know. Oh, how different it is at Corporate Palace. And these differences are……?

The food is worse and more expensive

The coffee is dearer and the "large" is smaller than the "large" back at the Mansions

People smile less...in fact hardly at all

Power dressing is everywhere and everything (that’s me fucked then)

It’s a posy-yuppie paradise full of testosterone filled knobs or vacuous mangirls giving mental corporate blow-jobs to the people in power, keeping their assassins knives ready for the day they can dispose of their rivals and predecessors.

Car parking is utter carnage after 8:30 in the morning.

There is a lot of ….ahem…….talent....

The toilets are unisex…we think…who knows?

In fact it seems a typical soulless campus full of wannabee corporate cock suckers desperately trying to vie for a place on the greasy pole of success. Sad bastards.

I'm gonna hate it.

Later, GrocerJack

What runs the world?

It's not my job I hate, it's just some of the complete fuckwits that work there. I love my team, I truly do. It's taken them time to get used to my style, but we get the job done, never let anyone down and always deliver on expectations. The added bonus is we do it with good grace and good humour.

Of course we now have to live in this fucked up age whereby everything is measured. Everything is or has a KPI (Key Performance Indicator) or worse still, as some fuckwits call them Key KPI's and yes...you're right that'd be Key Key Performance Indicators then. I wonder what the upper limit is on Keys for KPI's?

Anyway I digress...my life is run by KPI's. My team operate to KPI's, we're measured on KPI's, we collate data and publish KPI's , we measure KPI's we amend KPI's, challenge KPI's, produce trends of KPI's and basically kneel at the feet of the Great God Kay-Pee-Aye. Wherever we look in the news, we're bombarded with information and data based on KPI's, KPI's from the government, KPI's from QUANGO's, KPI's from the NHS and about the NHS, KPI's about Schools and for all I know there's even KPI's for those who work in MacDonalds.

Today, a report my team publishes was released. Every month we take the data, feed it into complex programs or Excel and produce results which show how our Operations bit of High Tech Pipes, Tubes, Strings and Rays are performing. We measure the KPI's on Finance, Processes, Customer Value and interestingly enough, Growth and Development...see posts passim for my views on "Development". Anyway, the report shows all this stuff for January, which was a huge pile of fresh dog turd in terms of systems failures. We had tons of Very Bad Things (VBT's) happens...around 15 during the month as opposed to the average of around 2 or 3. We also had
a high number of Pretty Bad Things (PBT's) happen as well, which aren't as bad as VBT's but still need to be on peoples "radars". Fuck me, how I'd love to superglue some radars on peoples heads for real! I'd also love to give them a ball each and see how long they can walk around with it until they drop it.

Anyway, despite this piss poor performance, in turns caused by a heady mixture of shitty "asset sweated" equipment, underfunded software failing and, of course, the inevitable "foot, gun, aim, shoot" Jesse James Engineer culture of changing things whilst wearing a stetson, boots with spurs and shouting "Yee Hah", the KPI's came out as Green. Yep, Green. Just like grass. Vert as the French would say. This is because we use a RAG status system to depict how KPI's look. Red is BAD, Amber is BAD, Green is Good. Of course BillyBoy , the Head of Operations isn't happy about this as January was such a pile of puke he's been arse kicked from pillar to post by that mysterious community known as "the business" and so he doesn't want to go to them saying how well we've done..and how things are Green, ergo things are Good.

Whilst I understand this, the fact remains...he agreed and in some cases help design the KPI's and the measurements that make them! So, like all Senior Managers, he's happy to take credit when things are Green and Good, and happy to accept the results from his agreed measurements, but when they're Red and Bad...well...you've guessed it...the measurements are wrong, and the messenger (me and my team) have obviously fucked up...Shoot the Messenger!
His email suggested exactly this, so for once I remained calm (ish) and decided to hold my reply. Despite the fact that The Master, my boss is now involved and is doing his best impression of a sandal wearing social worker in "trying to understand" the issues, I've decided to reply to Billyboy stating exactly that...

He made the rules
We merely abide by them
The way we calculate has not changed for months
He was always happy before
If he wants stuff changed he goes through the proper Governance process
He's paid a fucking barrow load of money, so he should go to the business, put some exercise books down his trousers, tell them January was shit, explain why our KPI's show Green, and then come back and work with us to find an appropriate measurement.

I may have worded the last point more ...ahem...diplomatically.

I might also suggest we do away with "facts and figures" and publish on "instinct, gut feel and perception" with added "tell them what they want to hear" as well

Later, Grocerjack.

The First Draft....

.....of my Liberation (tm) Policy/Manifesto document is now on-line....just click here!!!!!

Later, Grocerjack

The End

"Does anybody else in here feel the way I do?"

So wrote Roger Waters on "Vera" his paean to Vera Lynn from The Wall. What's the relevance I hear you ask? What is this post about?

Well, it's about the end of the world. So, nothing trivial then?

I guess that today is one of those days, after one of those weeks, after one of those months, after one of those years where you finally sit down and think "What the fuck is going on?" . It just seems to be one huge tidal wave of bad news doesn't it? Open any paper, tune in to any radio station or watch any TV news bulletin and it's a conveyor belt of nothing but turgid, depressing doom and gloom. Go, tell me when was the last time a news item made you smile? When was the last time you really sat down and heard something, or read something that made your heart sing, made you want to fly, to laugh and shout with joy.

Thought so. It's been a fucking long time hasn't it?

You see good news doesn't sell, it doesn't grip people. Even the most irritating optimists and "glass half full" people mask their own morbid fascination with doom and gloom from around the world. To escape this you'd have to be 5 years old again, when everything was innocent and life was about play and learning, toys and sweets, friendship and important subjects like how old was this new friend you've just met and will Mum do chips tonight as a treat?

I looked around today and what did I see?

Share prices falling because some spineless rich cunts in the City couldn't give a shit and can't stand up to their clients. Why should they give a fuck if their annual bonus drops from £3million to £2 million? Stripey shirted cunts, the lot of them.

House prices dropping because the Bank of England put the rates up in order to "cool" the market, but now listen to the bankers (sic) whinge when what they asked for happens.

Flood warnings across the country, no doubt all due to me driving my car to work and heating my water for a shower.

Retail stores reporting sales drops because...well fuck me sideways.....quelle suprise.....the interest rates went up and people decided a roof over their head was more important than a present filled Christmas.

A looming banking crisis because another bunch of stripey shirted cunts didn't understand the meaning of the word "risk" when they were dishing out money. Apparently it never occurred to them to look at what the US banks were doing in risky markets before lending them money or borrowing it.

Political correctness increasing it's stranglehold on our society.

Out of control mindless and meaningless crimes reaping havoc on our streets and causing us to live in fear.

So called celebrities and "talent" pissing, coking, drugging their way to oblivion but not short of a bob or two. I know they've always done it, but at least our generations had the decency to do it off camera. Amy Winehouse is a stupid fucking emaciated gormless bitch. fuck her, and fuck Pete Doherty and all the other useless bastards wasting a gift most of us would love and cherish.

A Government beset by incompetence, negligence and Big Brother attitude, reneging on pay deals and generally shitting on people from high. Go on, name me one thing Gordon Brown and his government has done that's better than Blairs. Exactly. he's made Tony Blair look like a fucking genius in the same way George Bush made Clinton look like a member of The Peace Movement!

I could go on, but it's just so fucking depressing. I am starting to think this is all leading to the sighting of the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse and a personal visit for us all from the Grim Reaper.

And of course, we, the working people are to blame for all of this. We are a rabble rousing, lieing, cheating, greedy, self centred, pollution creating, drug taking, hard drinking, bunch of selfish bastards all on the make. One minute they want to stop us spending money, the next everything's our fault because we're not spending enough money.

Damned if we do, Damned if we don't. It's all gone to pot, and we're to blame.

Now, when can we start this revolution?

Later, Grocerjack

The Liberation (TM) Solutions grow.....

The manifesto for my political party Liberation (TM) continues to grow. Two weeks ago I announced the Liberation (TM) Policy on Energy. This amounts to re-nationalizing Gas, Electricity and Water, re-opening Coal Mines where possible or opening new ones and subsidising the industries to make them competitive....i.e run them as public services to supply heat, warmth and clean running water and NOT for profit. We would also invest in clean coal burning technologies and carbon storage, alongside a whole raft of new Nuclear power stations (state owned and funded) to ensure we are never again dependent on anyone else totally for our energy, plus we will not be lining the fat cat shareholder pockets with ordinary peoples hard earned cash. For water we would invest in de-salination plants and every household ould be encouraged to install a "grey" water supply from these plants for washing, flushing, showering , bathing and cleaning the car and watering the garden. The normal water supplies would then only be used for drinking.

Then someone said to me that this would be expensive and might involve paying more tax. Which is true. You would pay more tax. Initially we'll tax companies more on their profits, plus we'd do away with the fiddles that allow self employed and the rich to effectively avoid tax. We'd put more tax bands in as well. Instead of the current two bands there would be 6, with band 6 at the top paying 60% and band 1 at the bottom paying 10%. Council tax would be abolished and replaced with a local sales tax like they have in America. remote areas of low population would be topped up from high population areas to ensure the "per head" spend is comparable across the UK.

Ultimately we'd look at doing away with income tax and replacing it with a goods tax which means the more expensive the item, the more you pay. Everything then bought in shops or on the internet, irrespective of where the retailer is based would be taxed ata State level and a local level at the point of the transaction. if you buy a car for £10,000 you can expect to pay substantially less than someone who buys one for £40,000. Of course, the "green" rating will also count here as well

I need to think about what I'd do with the Monarchy..but as a republican I think a nice retirement plan would be formulated. And don't give me any bollocks about that doing away with our heritage and history. Our heritage and history are already there.

Then comes the issue of crime and lawlessess. Let's not kid ourselves that things are better. Crime statistics, like any statistics can be made to lie. We all know the phrase Lies, Damned lies and Statistics. Anecdotal evidence is often dismissed but just look at the case of Gary Newlove and the impassioned statement from his widow Helen, and it's easy to realise it could be any of us. No, the answer here is a return to real coppers, like Gene Hunt. We need coppers on the beat and in the cars who can scare the living crap out of teenage gangs and adult thugs as well. They need to be able to deliver a good hiding, or a clip around the ear where necessary. They need to be able to nick people from 8 years old onwards and lock them up for a few days with the the bare minimum of food and maybe a toilet they have to slop out, like they'd have inside. No clean clothes, no washing facility and just one visit from a parent. I'd also make the parents or guardians culpable as well for the children's behaviour to the age of 18.

Then I'd only allow knives to be sold in licensed outlets to people aged 21 or over and anyone found carrying a knife that isn't in a sealed box on a public street goes away for 1 year minimum. No excuses, they will all know the law. If you're found with a gun, decommissioned or real then you're having a spell for a minimum of 5 years, again no excuses. Ignorance will not be accepted. Once inside it will be fucking hard, but I've yet to determine the details, but suffice it to say, there'll be plenty of work for ex-forces and ex-coppers. All criminals need to be scared of the consequences. They shouldn't think prison is about meeting old mates, or being fed and sheltered. Prisons should not be Universities of Crime. Punishment will mean exactly that...punishment. Hard, debilitating and painful punishment.

Oh and paedophiles guilty of actual physical abuse of children will be castrated physically on top of their jail sentence. End of story.

Lastly, the Armed forces will be funded properly and The Army and Navy particularly can look forward to some unprecedented growth to put them back on the map as well. lets put some pride back in them.

If it doesn't sound very "socialist" it's because the Champagne flavour of my socialist leanings has always been counterbalanced by a Socialist Realism that has meant not having much time for Political Correctness or for the bleeding heart, namby pamby brigade who's liberal ideas have led us to where we are now. If a copper had bought me back home my Dad would have leathered me from one end of the house to the other, and the very thought of that was enough to keep me out of anything but the most trivial and normal of teenage trouble.

Watch out for the full manifesto on the other site where the cast of my life and the rules of the GoGB reside!!

Later, El Presidente Grocerjack!

My Perfect Job

In a week of continuing uncertainty as The Company's High Tech Pipes, Tubes and Strings department undergoes yet another "Transformation" ...or as we really know it Re-organization, (although for some reason that word is now forbidden) I thought it was time to think about jobs I'd really like to do. You know what I mean, imagining you're at school but knowing what you know now and choosing something that will make you happy, or rich..or both.

But mostly rich.

Because no matter what they say, I reckon it does make you happy. And if you're rich and not fucking happy then sling your money over here and give it to someone ready to rejoice in it.

It's the same old thing though, a new broom The Beach Babe, promoted from Head of Strings to Big Cheese Chief Head of High Tech Pipes, Tubes and Strings has slowly but surely built her own "leadership" team by "evolving" certain people in the existing team into other roles, mostly those of a gardening nature, but all of them into "opportunities" elsewhere. I've no real issue with that because unlike the previous incumbent to her role she does have charisma and style, but then so would John Major. In comparison to the barbaric and butcher-like Canadian wanker before that she is the paradigm of perfect people management. But as with all of these things, I never seem to do particularly well, despite having an allegedly good press throughout the department. I think it's my refusal to become part of the F Band Club on their terms by having the clone chip inserted to remove my personality that might be a hindrance.

Anyway there's fuck all anyone can do, so I might as well sit back and see what happens. A few people have already been given "compromise"* deals to go away and never darken the door again, and several more are now at risk so you see why the remainder who have yet to find out where the future lies might be feeling a little tense this week.

* Compromise deals are where they take you into a room, offer you big fat cheque to fuck off, promise not to slag the company off, not to work for a rival and not to sue for unfair dismissal. The deal is usually so goo that no-one ever takes legal action. besides......being offered this sort of sends a message to you don't you think?

So a good time to list those "perfect jobs" then.

1.) Fighter Pilot - wasn't even presented as an option when I was at school. Obviously the careers officers had been given a steer from the RAF that they didn't want cockney accented oiks getting in the way of Bunty, Biggles and Smudger in the officers mess. Either that or they thought I was too thick.

2.) Porn mogul - well, it makes money doesn't it? People alwasy want porn. And ...well if it wasn't me then someone else would do it (and it seems has done) and I'm a nice bloke who genuinely cares for his team!

3.) Professional Golfer - whilst it would be great to be on the "tour", I'd settle for being a club pro with my own little retail business on the club. A great life.

4.) Writer - yes, despite a few episodes of writers block, plus a lack of time and commitment, something I'd love to do would be to write novels and plays. Especially for TV. I'm very jealous of Russell T Davies!

5.) Journalist - similar to above but in the payroll of some media tycoon. Writing about football, golf or cricket would be heavenly although not too good for the liver...or the blood pressure I think.

6.) Radio Presenter - or "DJ" as we used to know them. Except that DJ's now wear sideways baseball caps, are "down wiv der kidz" and instead of happily settling for playing great music have decided to make music. Music that isn't very good. No. really it isn't very good at all.

7.) Painter - no... not the painter/decorator type, but the type who paints pictures of things. Only one small problem here. I can't paint. Or draw. Then again, in these days of modern art challenging boundaries perhaps that makes no difference at all.

And finally......the one I would love to do most ....

8.) Incidental Music person - I would love to be the person who matches the music to the scene on TV or in a film. Whether that's the collage at the beginning or the end of the football, music to intensify a scene or depict the mood of a scene I reckon that has to be one fucking brilliant job.

But of course..in the end I'll do none of the above because that means being brave. It means jumping ship (unless I'm pushed!). It means risking everything at a stage of life where too many other people depend on my monthly wage. It's the sort of thing you're supposed to sort out in your 20's.

Only no-one ever told me that.

Later, Grocerjack

That was a big 'un

By 'Eck that were a big break between posts. That's because fo the madness that is Christmas and New Year in our house. is it just me, or does the bloody thing come round quicker and quicker? Anyway I spent most of it feeling dog rough with a proper dose on "man flu". Of course to others this was just a source of amusement and to my mother-out-law apparently it was all in the mind. Yeah...if blocked sinuses, mad headaches, deafness, a sore throat, aching joints and limbs and a cough so dry you could hear the chest cage cracking under the strain is something I "imagined" then perhaps she is right.

Why do people think that it's OK to berate you if you've got a virus if you're a man? Would I get any sympathy if I was 80? Doesn't the fact that I am an Asthmatic mean anything to people? Don't they realise how uncomfortable it is to be coughing so hard that you feel like you can't walk anywhere without a Ventolin inhaler permanently clasped in your hand? Don't they think how worrying it might be that one set of primary airwaves for breathing (the nostrils) are out of action due to being blocked through infection? Next time..I've a good mind to go into work, or meet people at the pub, or wherever and deliberately sit there sneezing and coughing without using a tissue, freely spraying my infected mist around the place.


This week it's the big announcement...or one of them at least .....regarding the new transformed" (not re-organized...come on get with the lingo!) High Tech Pipes, Tubes and Strings department. I started off with some bright ideas but eventually got ground down by continuous "challenges" from jumped up fuckwits with nothing better to do. Frankly I've gone past caring so all I'll do is keep my head down and concentrate on completing my last OU course leading to me BA - hopefully in October! The choice for me after that is to do another years to get the BA to a BA (Hons) but I'm not sure of my motivational levels for that yet. I think it'll be an achievement for me to just get the degree in my ....ahem....mid 40's.

Idea's for novels and plays keep hitting me, so I've decided to start writing some down to keep a record of them......it's something I'd love to do but my question is...just how the hell do people find the time? Unless of course they're already famous writers and can do it full time, I just can't help thinking how next to impossible it would be to find the time to produce something of real quality. Unless of course you have real "talent" in which case i reckon it must be a breeze.

A quick rant about the latest round of price increases for electricity and gas. Does anyone else think that this shows the folly of privatisation? The subsequent ownership and delivery of these vital pieces of modern life are all owned (in the majority) by foreign companies, who can now all too easily hold a gun to our heads in the name of profit. Market fucking forces my arse - it's the unacceptable face of capitalism yet again spouting bullshit mantras in order to satisfy fat cat shareholders creaming obscene dividends from natural resources that WE all own and that should never be under the ownership of individual private corporations.

I tell you this...when GrocerJacks Liberation(TM) party come to power, the first thing we'll be doing is re-nationalising power, gas and water, re-opening the mines where feasible or opening new ones, building high-tech new nuclear reactors and developing wind and tide power options to make this country fully self sufficient. Future generations may not then be reliant on Russian, French and German multi-nationals to rip us off under threat of turning the "energy" taps off.

Expensive to taxpayers? Of course, but you'll pay the taxes anyway...wouldn't it better to know they are going to be used in investing in our own infrastructure rather than into the pockets of hideously rich, politically motivated, power-greedy bastards?

And I thought my socialist beliefs had gone!

Later, Grocerjack