One law for them....

I've always believed there's one law for the Police and one law for the rest of us. The case in point was of the copper, PC Mark Milton who decided that it was acceptable to drive his car at 84 mph in a 30 limit, and then to reach a staggering 159mph on a Motorway. His reasoning was that fully trained Police driver, authorised to drive at high speeds he needed to test his new cars capabilities.

No argument from me on the need to understand the capabilities of the car, but like most I question his right to do so on a public road. I would love to test my cars capability but would view a "track day" as a frivolous waste of money that could be used on The Money Pit. However, is it beyond the realms of common sense for the Old Bill to be provided with this facility as a matter of course? Shouldn't they all be tested on a track rather than a Motorway? I wonder what would happen if it was you or me?

How would a copper, or even a beak react to these answers......

"Sorry Officer...I just thought I'd see what the performance ceiling was on my new motor"

"Sorry Officer...I needed to see just how much I could drink before being incapable of driving"

"Sorry Officer, I needed to test just how damaging to a human being an impact of 159mph would be"

"Sorry Officer.... I was just testing the CD player to see if i could hear it when driving at high speed"

"Sorry Officer...but I just wanted to see if it was possible to get a blow job at high speed and still control the car"

"Sorry Officer...but Top Gear said this car was crap and I needed to see for myself"

"Sorry Officer..but I heard there was survey about how many dead insects were on the front of cars and I thought I'd catch as many as possible"

"Sorry Officer...is this not a private track then?"



My favourite ever piece of sarcasm though came from a copper who had pulled someone up doing 120 on the M4. It was broadcast one morning on the radio. The driver pulled up as requested and then sat in trepidation as the copper slowly got out of his "vehicle" (only coppers call them vehicles). As the copper walked toward him he was scratching his head, a face full of utter disdain. The driver wound down his window as requested and the copper leant over and said.....

"Having trouble taking off are we Sir?"

Well, could you have kept straight face?

Later, GrocerJack

Its the simple things that cause the most hassle

I have a problem with the mouse attached to my laptop at work. It's gone a bit Pete Tong as the kids might have once said. It no longer single clicks when pressing the left button. Nope, just as a special hassle for me it double clicks no matter how gently I press it. Doesn't sound much like a problem really does it? Pales into insignificance compared to Hamas winning the Palestinian elections, Iran developing a nuclear capability, global warming, bird flu, AIDS epidemics in Africa and institutional racism in the Great British Press. I grant that it seems trivial, but whereas all of the others are issues of concern for everyone, this one is the one that's in my face right now. This is the single most irritating thing that is happening in my working day. An example...try closing an email down in Outlook by clicking on the X button at the top right hand corner. Yes, with a constantly double clicking mouse you will still close the email down, but also the whole Outlook application as well. Try clicking on the Favourites tab in your browser...one click opens, two clicks closes hence it becomes a pointless operation. Writing something in MS Word? Yep, how easy is it to move the cursor around the page to insert new text when all it does is immediately highlight the whole sentence. Writing this post has been an adventure in refamiliarising myself with keyboard commands "shortcuts". Like the good old days of Editor mode in MS-DOS, because they were so good weren't they. The only people who remember them with any fondness are sad act propeller heads who think that proper computing can only be done in machine code through a command line.

None of them are married or have many friends.

This particular trivial but unbelievably annoying and productivity affecting problem just made me wonder how we, a 21st Century society would cope with the loss of other gadgets that have become integral to the way we live..........

The mobile phone : Yes it's a pain in the arse when people talk loudly into it in a restaurant, or on a train. Yes, it's contributed towards a rise in street crime because it's an object of desire despite being virtually given away by The Company and its competitors. But what about the ease of contacting someone when abroad, or when late for an appointment? What about the lives it's saved at roadside accidents because people can ring emergency services straight away instead of having to find a piss-filled stinking public phone box in the middle of the night that some lowlife scumbag has vandalized? What about the immediate aftermath of terrorist atrocities where people have been able to contact loved ones, or in the case of September 11th where those doomed to die could send or speak one last message of love to their families? Yes, society got by without them for millennia but could we really revert to a mobile free society?

The TV Remote Control : Remember the days when turning the TV over meant getting out of the chair and TURNING a dial? Then you're over 40! But seriously how many of us now spend as much time looking for the damned thing instead of manually switching the TV over or off? Bloody Hell - on some TV's I'm not sure there is even a manual option. And who remembers when the remote was on the end of a cable running across the floor? ....me ...unfortunately.

The Car Remote Control: That's right, for all you kiddies out there was a time when Dad had to unlock every door in the car with a key. And then lock it when he had delivered you to your destination. A time that meant when you ran to the car in the car park he couldn't let you in early and you'd have to wait until him or Mum had dragged their sorry arse to the car in order to insert a key into the lock and open the doors! Christ my Volvo even illuminates the car inside and puts the headlights on for 30 seconds so that I can clearly locate the thing from 100 yards.

The Ipod/MP3 player: Yeah, not totally ubiquitous I know, but getting there. Less than 3 years ago my music collection took up 3 CD racks and several plastic carry boxes with Vinyl. To carry it around I'd have needed the muscles of Schwarzenegger and as many arms as Doc Octopus. Plus i'd have needed a system to play it on. As far as my memory serves me there is no such thing as a portable turntable that you can take to the side of the pool on holiday with which to play your oldies. I gave up on cassettes about 10 years ago when my BMW decided to chew my Led Zeppelin III and IV tapes up (on a long journey with no backup except the poxy radio). But now my music collection sits on my Zen Jukebox with a 4oGb hard drive (the cheap MP3 player for those who aren't fashion and marketing monkeys). 5,547 tracks and still with 12Gb to spare. All in the palm of my hand. When i first started in 1986 ats a trainee computer operator i worked ina room the size of a football pitch. The combined memory (mainstore as we knew it) of the mainframe was 23Mb, the total of all the disks (filestore as we knew it) was around 30Gb. A 2.5 Gb disk cabinet was the size of a bread van. Now I have more than that and it's in my hand. Reduced in size by over a thousand times.

So effective are thse things that I'm now desperate to find new things to add to it. Thank heavens for Ricky Gervais, Mark Kermode and Fighting Talk. In 5 years we will be using them. Even your Gran will have one that she can listen to, or surf the net whilst she gazes at the family photo album, and the new photo's you take on holiday that you send via mobile phone direct to her Ipod.

The Cordless Screwdriver: In my view this is the single best invention ever developed by man. Building flatpacks? Get a cordless and smile as they effortlessly drive the screws into the ill fitting poorly machined holes supplied. Fitting door handles as you re-decorate? Building beds? Your life will change with one of these. I actively look for jobs around the house that give me the opportunity to use one. Gone are the days of launching verbal Anglo-Saxon tirades whilst simultaneously hurling inanimate objects across the room because I can't get a screw in far enough to fix whatever I am doing. I just save that for when the computer plays up.......

The PC: Where would we be without this? In the garden perhaps? Spending time with our families perhaps? Building things with our cordless screwdrivers? I know what I wouldn't be doing - writing blogs that get read occasionally or surfing the net buying things I don't need. But what about the information I can get for my studies? Ditto, the kids? Ditto, GMD. How would we get the best deals on travelling to The Money Pit without Google and Kelkoo? And in what other way could I successfully win the FA Cup as Chelsea Manager, whilst almost simultaneously get sacked by Bristol Rovers only to be offered a job managing MK Dons on better money with a bigger transfer pot? (thanks to Football Manager 2006 - a game I suspect might find itself featuring in divorce cases the length and breadth of the land)

Just a few examples of how pampered and reliant we are on gadgets and technology today. That's of course without mentioning the technology workhorses of washing machines, tumble dryers, dish washers and vacuum cleaners.

That whole rant because of a faulty mouse.

Later, GrocerJack.

Politicians..what can you do...

Simon Hughes...Liar
Charles Kennedy ....Liar
Mark Oaten...Liar
Tony Blair.....Liar
Michael Howard....Liar

The list just goes on and on. I had some hope for Simon Hughes , in fact for the Lib Dems, and personally I don't think anyones sexuality is anyone else's business.

Never has been. And never will be.

In fact if I was one and someone asked me "Straight or Gay" I'd have a stock answer ready along the lines of

"Fuck off and mind your own business you miserable piece of shit"

George Michael refused to answer for years because he rightfully didn't want to be labelled because of it. Granted he was outed in somewhat unfortunate circumstances but I think this may have been a deliberate ploy to get it over and done with.

However, if you choose to answer the question, then at least answer it honestly, especially if your a politician making promises to people. Blair lied on WMD, Howard on just about everything but who can forget the HM Prisons episode and his subsequent squirming under fire from Paxman.

All hope for the Lib Dems has gone though. No matter what i think how do I know the new leader isn't concealing other ideas or thoughts, or has a different agenda. I'm intelligent enough to make my mind up based on election promises and manifesto's but I fear the average Sun/Star/Express/Mail reader isn't. You can hear the blue rinses getting bluer with each new revelation.

Simon Hughes at least entertained one idea that I like, the idea of an English Parliament, but seems to have dropped his enthusiasm for that recently. That might be enough for me to not vote for his party, but the fact that he appears "bi" isn't a voting issue. Strange how this is even news in 2006 though.

Oaten on the other hand was a fool and trod the same path of folly that many an MP has done before. He won't be the first, nor the last. But why do it this way? Why not just go to a gay friendly club and meet someone there. If nothing else it must be cheaper? The only person I feel sorry for in his story is his poor wife. Talk about having your world turned upside down.

The upshot is that in a period of declining trust in politics, this lying trait just adds fuel to that fire. Lying feeds apathy. All we ask for as voters is honesty. Most intelligent voters don't care about your sex life. We just care about what you can do to make our lives better.

Later, GrocerJack

Hmmm...part 2

Well, its one way of keeping the kids quiet I suppose.

Later, GrocerJack

Decked...The Money Pit strikes again....

Just when I thought I'd paid everything and saved enough for some decking on The Money Pit we got a quote today from the camp site......errrr....I mean holiday parc (with a "c" apparently). Guess how much to have it installed?

£1500

Yup, 1500 fucking quid.

Now , we had budgeted for about a grand for the decking plus £200 -ish for a portable air-con unit. But somehow another 50% on top again?

Someone, somewhere is making a lot of money out of pieces of planed and pre-formed wood.

Seriously if I had any clue as to where to start with doing it my bloody self I would, but even I know it takes two and GMD wouldn't be much help, bless her, as DIY and stuff is not her forte. I'm not even sure if its beter to buy the stuff there from Monsieur Bricolage, the french equivalent to B&Q or buy it here from B&Q, the English version of ...err....Monsieur Bricolage and take it their in the back of the Meriva. Besides I've never "set a post" in my life, and never built anything even remotely requiring a spirit level, let alone anything with a 1:100 "fall" for water drainage.

What I need is a mate who's a chippy. Just my luck that all I know are builders, sparks, plumbers, militaria dealers, network engineers, lawyers, publicans, health and safety officers, (boo...hiss) and civil servants (apologies to those I have missed). I even asked our resident DIY expert, BigSykes, my brother-in-law if he fancied helping me, but he has issues about going abroad it seems as his answer was a rather wimpy "but I've never done decking before"...hmm...... he's never knocked a kitchen through but he managed that last year.

I know in the grand scheme it's a trivial problem, but you know, I just wanted everthing done and dusted this year. But it seems the financial forces are against me this time.

Thoughts that have run through my mind on this issue today.............

Maybe I should sacrifice the teeth straightening project........

Maybe I should enrol for woodwork classes......

Maybe I should torch the fucking thing and claim the insurance back.......

Maybe I should have bought a touring caravan....

Maybe I should have bought a tent......

Maybe I should ask someone who's out of work to help me.......knowing my luck I'd get an offer from Mark Oaten....hmmm methinks not........

Maybe I could sell a kidney for £500.........

Maybe I could leave it until next year and let evryone drag mud and grass inside it......

Maybe I should sell it and holiday in Bognor every year......yup, 12 miles up the road...not good

Maybe a series of huge bean bags against the front would be just as good......

How would a series of pallets from B&Q look if nailed together?


So, any chippies fancy a free weekend in France? You lead the way, I'll be your apprentice.

Later , PotlessJack.

Tagged

Seven things to do before I die

See England win the football World Cup

Re-visit America at least once

Ride in a helicopter

Own another motorbike

Stand on the Stamford Bridge pitch before a game

Get a hole in one

Retire to France

Seven things I cannot do

Keep my mouth shut

Watch anything with Davina McCall in

Stop supporting Chelsea

Stop letching

Listen to Radio 1, or any dance/rave/hiphop/garage or gangster rap

Hang wallpaper

Winter

Seven things I say

Sorted

Fuck off

That’s why we’re Champions (sung rather said!)

Be good, be careful, be safe, be tidy (to baby, every day)

Where you going?

I need a favour….

Result

Seven books I have loved

The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams (all 5 parts)

The Long Dark teatime of the Soul by Douglas Adams

Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency

This Other Eden by Ben Elton

Dead Famous by Ben Elton

High Society by Ben Elton

Around Ireland with a Fridge by Tony Hawkes

Seven movies I have loved

Pulp Fiction

Kill Bill Volume 1 and 2

The Godfather pts 1 and 2

Goodfellas

The Truman Show

Top Gun

Zulu

Seven things that attract me to…France

The wine

The food

The culture

The lifestyle

The weather

The markets

The fact that in one day you can drive to the Med without flying

Seven people to tag…

Mick in The UK

Bloggocks Mick

Inspector Sands

Beirut bar Stool

Nick Barlow

Crox

Onionbagblogger

Later, GrocerJack

Hmmm...part 1

I think its highly likely the words "Oh" and "Shit" are likely to run through your mind should you see this out of the aircraft window.

later, GrocerJack