Fucked...but I won the golf and the Dummy Award

Yeah, completely fucked would be a good description of how I feel after the excesses of last week. It was exactly as I said in my last post, except it wasn't Guinness, it was Beamish, which turned out to be an able substitute.

It's a long long time since I drank like that for 4 nights on the trot, including the various nips of rather lovely single malts, rums and brandies experienced on the golf courses. I've witnessed boxer short snooker, men unable to direct into the bowl and consequently wetting their jean fronts, naked men in red ties, my swimming cossie being paraded for all to see after dinner (yes, it is quite small for a chubby chap like me!). I've even seen an out of control buggy careering backwards down a hill at 30mph in pouring rain ending up in a rather deep ditch with a somewhat shocked driver inside. I saw Shotts being awarded the dummy (as in baby's dummy) for being a brown nose to Jaimo, Jaimo having won the night before. Believe me this dummy has been to places you don't want to know. It is NOT for sucking on! The winner has to wear it for the whole evening around their neck. I won it on the last night so get to keep it for a whole year until the next holiday. The idea is that its given to those that perform acts of stupidity, anger or misery whilst playing golf, however you can include any event over the whole year when nominating the winner. The holder chooses the next dummy wearer, and you can only hold it yourself once in any single year. Aren't I the lucky one. Yes, I know it all sounds rather childish, but hey we're blokes and it's about time I did something childish again. Being an adult is ohhh so boring all the time.

And to cap it all I won the main competition on Wednesday with 34 points (14 out, 20 in) on a day when the word torrential is unbelievably inadequate when describing the rain we played in ALL round. Earned me a nice couple of prizes plus about £75 in winnings including the week long "birdie" pot.

Will I go again.......what do you think?

Lastly, next week I have exams to get some qualifications for my ....ahem...role at work so busy revising means few posts until they're out of the way.

Later, DummyJack

Another break

Yes folks, its time for another break for the grocer. I'm for a week in rainy Devon to play golf with 30 odd other blokes as The Jolly Boys Outing from my pub is engaged. A week of drinking, letching, golfing, snooker and watching football on Wednesday in the vain hope that Sven Gormless Fuckwit can motivate the players into putting on some sort of half decent performance and pay the Poles back for 1973. I cried that fucking night and my memory is scarred by Jan Tomaczeski, the polish goalkeeper who performed the heroics that fateful evening. As I write this I learn that we have qualified to play in the World Cup Finals next year despite today's abject display against Austria. If Peter Crouch is the future for England then God help us. He is the worst player I've seen in an England shirt ever. And I include Emile Donkey Heskey in that as well. Crouch is like a spider on rollerskates, not a footballer.

Anyway, the knick knacks won today as well to keep their hopes barely alive of qualifying. I'm half Irish myself (thanks to Mommie Dearest) so I do have vested interest in the Paddies getting there as well. I've always thought that's why my favourite tipple is Guinness, and by God I'll be sinking some this week so it's handy really. Starting tomorrow (Sunday) with a skinful because I DON'T have to get up on Monday.

I think the order for each day for me is Shower, dress, Full English Breakfast, Golf, Whisky during golf, lunch with beer, more golf, post golf drink, shower, change, pre-dinner Guinness, dinner with Red wine, Guinness, snooker (maybe, if we can be arsed), Guinness, discussions on sex, discussions on football, Guinness, discussions on politics, Guinness and discussions on the meaning of life, sleep. Repeat for 5 days until common sense prevails.

Later, GuinnessJack

Friday's song.....

Love and Marriage - who knows who sung this, but the version in my head is from formerly funny US sitcom Married...with Children. And it will not fuck off no matter what else I play.

Later, GrocerJack

Little Britain

Fantastic. Read this wonderful article from the BBC about the folklore of Portland in Dorset.

If you can't be bothered to follow the link then the essence of the story is that the people of Portland will not see the word "rabbit" featured in the posters for the (undoubtedly brilliant) new film featuring Wallace and Gromit in The Curse of the Were-Rabbit. Apparently this word "rabbit" is taboo in Portland , something to do with superstitious quarrymen.

I actually listened to this Mayor bloke being interviewed on 5-Live this morning and honestly do not how Nicky Campbell and Sheila Fogarty got through the interview with him without dropping with laughter. Mainly because tears were falling down my face as I desperately checked to make sure I hadn't done a Rip Van Winkle and slept through until April 1st.

He said "rabbit" twice and when challenged he said "it was incredibly difficult for him to do so, but in the interests of the programme he had decided to use it twice, but thehe would not be using iut again during the interview. Now, call me an old cynic but its seemed that the presenters, and specifically Fogarty then decided to chuck the word "rabbit" in at every opportunity in order to try and bait this loonie (meant affectionately). Apparently the people of Portland often get ribbed by the people of Weymouth and surrounding areas and taunted by people deliberately shouting the word out in public places.

How fantastically and eccentrically British is this? Surely this is a queue for Dom Joly and some of his animal crew to descend on Portland and start loudly searching for a lost "rabbit" ?

Blimey, you have to wonder what the sales of Chas and Dave's "Rabbit Rabbit" song were in Portland?

Later , BunnyJack

Todays Song is.....

Jane by Jefferson Starship. Actually its a good song and the truth is played it on my non-ipod MP3 player, the marvellous and cheap Zen Creative Jukebox NX about a week ago, although why its taken until today to become the song in my head is still a mystery.

I don't have an issue when the song of the day in my head is a good one. It seems to brighten things a bit, its only when its something of pure dross that grates on me. Someone has suggested its something that may happen through subliminal suggestion, that some unconciously noted radio /tv clip, phrase or event is what causes this. If so then I find that fascinating but still not enough to rule out some sort of twisted non-corporeal intervention or manipulation.

Or maybe its a sign of some form of mental llness. First songs, then images (don't get me on the dreams or the images I see when falling asleep!) and before you know it........voices.

Perhaps the lunatic really is in my hall.

By the way, this group only really did two good songs, this one and the imperious White Rabbit back when they hadn't mastered ...ahem ...space travel and were still an earthbound Jefferson Airplane.

Later, GrocerJack

Today I'll be mostly listening to........

Me, Myself,I - Joan Armatrading - not bad, but where the fuck did this come from? The only music I heard this morning was the jingle music on 5 Live. The only Armatrading song I have is Love and Affection. I'm so confused.....

Later, VoicesJack

The Song in my head today is.....

Every day I have a song in my head. The source of this annoyance is not known because I'm a 5-Live man, which as you all know is a talkie station. A bit like a live version of The Guardian newspaper (even better in its top Berliner style format!). However, I digress, every day a song ends up in my head no matter if I've listened to any music. It's a strange phenomenon, but usually in more youthful times past there was a cause, usually that of the last song on the CD player/cassette or radio in the car. But now, well it just seems bizarre, and without any cause or link that I can make out.

I wonder if someone is trying to communicate with me in a non-corporeal way.

Music from the dead.

It's as good a theory as anything else. And much preferable to night time apparitions of decomposed bodies, or images of gruesome injuries indicating how they died. And ten times better than the bastard who stands menacingly in the corner of my bedroom from time to time emanating malevolence toward me at every level, and paralysing me in a semi-concious bowel loosening trance like state. Broken only by my forced scream to break the stupor of my condition.

Anyway since Friday the songs have been........

Friday : I Predict a Riot - Kaiser Chiefs (good)
Saturday : Goldfinger - Shirley Bassey (for fucks sake)
Sunday : Roll Away The Stone - Mott the Hoople ( a classic, but not when you're trying to sink a 10 foot putt!)

Today : Karma Chameleon - Culture Club (detestable song from a detestable bitter old queen)

Later, GrocerJack

PS Liverpool 1 - Chelsea 4 - one in the eye for those scouse dickheads. Well done the Chels!