Geography for our Times

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 20, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half-wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.

Between 21 and 30, a woman is like America. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35, she is like India. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, she is like Yugoslavia. Lost the war, haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, Very wide and borders are un-patrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia. A glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.

After 70, they become like Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 15 and 90, a man is like Zimbabwe. Ruled by a dick.

Later, GrocerJack

Some BBC praise

Reasons to praise the Beeb (you know I'm a fan of virtually everything they do!)

1.) Spooks - what a magnificent return for Series 5. The first 2 episodes were so wracked with tension and drama I was almost watching through clenched fingers. I can't think of one other program that consisently takes me to the edge like this one. 10 out of bloody 10.

2.) Extras - what a shining gem of comedic genius this is. Irreverent, politically incorrect, wryly observed and laugh out loud funny. The David Bowie epsiode was hilarious and last nights with Daniel Radcliffe was tear inducingly funny

3.) QI - one of the first guests on my fantasy dinner party list would be StephenFry because you just know he could never be boring. Fascinating facts dressed up behind clever and intelligent comedy.

4.) Top Gear - I thought this was just for petrolheads but the re-vamp has proved to be downright bloody good fun. Yes, some of the stunts are dangerous, some of the sections are puerile and childish, and yes it's politically incorrect and glorifies eco-unfriendly cars and driving practices. Thats why its so good. It might even be primarily aimed at men, but even this seems misguided as the programme has a healthy female demographic as well. It may be due to the resident eye-candy for women in the form of Richard Hammond, but just as likel yit might be because women drive cars and like a laugh as well. And, so what if a presenter gets injured. It was his risk and his choice and hey....in life shit occasionally happens. There is no reason to cancel the programme or tone it down and the Beeb seen on board with this view so more power to their elbow for that!

5.) Question Time - unintentionally funny I'm sure, and seemingly populated audience wise by some sort of Idiot Recruitment specialists. But compelling viewing all the same as you watch politicians squirm and knobber hacks get what they deserve.

Worth every penny of the licence fee just for thse programmes alone.

Later BBCJack

Jacks New Team

And now adding colour,

I've deleted this as I am going to let one or two at work find this site! 29th October 2007

Later, Grocerjack

The Diary of a BAW (Born Again Worker)

Once again apologies for not updating this daft little journal for a week or two. Those apologies are even more heartfelt by the fact that there has been so much to write about and comment on. Prior to my break at The Money Pit the creative juices were as depleted as North Sea cod stocks or alternatively as low as the water table in the arid South East of Mediocre Britain.

The reason is simple – the new job started last week and to be honest my feet haven’t touched the floor. In fact to paraphrase another hackneyed old cliché, I’m so busy finding my bloody feet that when they do become a reality then maybe I can use them to slow everything down. Those longer term readers will know that this blogging malarkey all started up just over 3 years ago after a re-organization …sorry transformation took place at The Company and I was mapped into a Change Planning role as a weird sort of reward for having my arse on the line for the previous 3 years in the god-forsaken unforgiving and stress-riddled role of UK Operational Manager of The Company’s network. I blogged because I could, and because I was bored, and because it seemed an ideal outlet for the daily frustrations of work and life in general, especially in light of impending middle age and the alleged inevitable decline in mental and physical capability .

After blogging for 3 years and being able to because frankly no-one noticed if I produced anything or not I now find myself in a job with a new boss, The Scream, who seems very affable, doesn’t interfere and isn’t a control freak. I haven’t liked a boss so much since working for The Mysterious M (see blog posts passim). My new team seem too good to be true as well. Maybe I’m just a cynic but having today completed all of their initial “1 to 1” meetings which I have deliberately made informal until they know me all I can say is there are no egos at play, and no Primadonna attitudes at loose. No-one has any burning issues, they all like each other, are very supportive of each other and seemingly me as well, all knowledgeable and hardworking, all willing to go the extra mile and all take their turn at the tea! Its hard to describe how refreshing it is to find people who have a tea rota and expect the boss to be part of it! The only downside that I can see is the obsession with food. 2 of the desks are loaded with cakes, biscuits and other goodies and it seems to me that every day the stocks are mysteriously replenished. The biggest worry I have is that my lack of willpower around such goodies will destroy any lingering ability I have at controlling my weight where it is. As I turned up on my first day (late due to “almost out of closet” car sharer”) and skulked in they made me feel immediately welcome by ripping the piss out of me mercilessly. It was like returning to a spiritual home.

It was also like the first day at a new school and not even the plus side of everything could make up for the trauma of meeting new people, remembering names and roles and trying to judge them for their sense of humour. I felt the like the new kid with the shiny shoes, pressed uniform and smart new blazer whose Mum had just wiped some breakfast off his chin with her spit and an old hankie outside the school gates. It’s been a long time since I had to go through that, but with any luck the cheeky, chirpy, cheerful, no airs and graces, cockney chappy approach seems to have worked.

In fact it’s like a return to a bygone age of interesting work being done in an atmosphere of trust lined with genuine fun and not laden down by poxy bureaucracy and managerial initiatives and corporate gobbledygook bollocks speak. There is some of that around but the reality of this new job and new department is that it is occupied by people who deserted from the despatched wasters ship from Golgafrincham (see Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy), shouting

“I am useful! I can be valuable! I will not be cast aside! I will not be brainwashed into speaking Corporate Gobbledygook Bollocks Speak!”

In fact after the last role it’s a bloody miracle. Of course its early days and maybe the spectacles have had a fresh covering of rose tint and the nostrils have had the bullshit receptors removed, but maybe if I park my normal unhealthy cynicism…….. it may just be all true and will remain that way.

Watch this space and I’ll introduce you to my new team and cast members.

Blimey, Grocerjack

Ssshhhh!

After a flurry of writing, Jacks gone quiet. Why is this?

Well, if any of you lot took any notice of my posts you'd know that this week is my first in my new role as Service Reporting Manager for The Company. Which means I'm meeting new people, learning new things, up to my eyes in documentation and basically whizzing round like a lunatic.

Half of me is shitting itself, the other half is genuinely excited , which as far as work goes is the first such feeling for very long time. The learning curve is going to be very steep and at the moment I'm relying totally on my "people management" skills. This will undoubtedly infringe upon the time I get to write so bear with me as I store up stories and comments on life, the Universe and work!

Later, GrocerJack

The Logic of Legacy

In my quest to educate people in the culture of bureaucracy and the happy continuation of the Captain Darling School of Pedants I thought this would be interesting.......

The US Standard railroad gauge (distance between the inside of the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's a strangely odd number.

Why that gauge?

Because that's the way they built them in England, and the US railroads were built by English navvies.

Why did the English use that gauge?

Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why was that gauge used?

Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Why did the wagons use that particularly odd wheel spacing?

This spacing was the optimum to be used on the roads of ye ole England.

So who built these old roads?

The first roads in Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions. The initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of breaking their wagons, were first made by Roman war chariots. Thus, we have the answer to the original question.

The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman army war chariot. Specifications and Bureaucracies live forever!

To complete the story –

When we see a Space Shuttle sitting on the launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are the solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at a factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line to the factory runs through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than a railroad track, and the railroad track is about as wide as two horses' behinds. So a major design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined by the width of a horse's arse!

Later, GrocerJack

Global What?

Just a thought...but where are the global warming doom-mongers after the shitty August and the equally dismal (Sunday and yesterday excepted) September? Oh, and what happened to all the predicted Hurricanes we were told to expect with mass devastation throughout the Caribbean and tropical areas of the planet?

Did we really become Arid Britain? Looking around in the South where I live it seems to be a rather verdant and lush green in colour at the moment. Still, the doom-sayers know best but it is funny how their silence speaks volumes when there isn't a natural disaster to pin to their theories.

Later, WetJack