What do I know?

I’ve just met Screamer at the coffee machine where he decided to have a chat.

He’s got a wedding ring. He has a picture of his wife on his desk.

She’s fucking gorgeous.

She would be wouldn’t she?

I am the fuckwit.

As Martin Fry from the fantastic ABC once said

If you judge a book by its cover

Then you judge the look by the lover

I hope you’ll soon recover

Me?

I go from one extreme to another

Later, LoserJack.

The world of plans……

Yeah, I’ve calmed down….a bit.

Yesterday I went to a meeting, one of the ones you get invited to but have no real idea of what it’s about. One of teams in The Sandmans mini-empire has recruited a screamer from one of the The Godfathers (that’s the Sandmans boss….and yep….. he is Italian….so this pseudonym seemed apt) other mini-empires. This bloke has been bought in to help us improve our planning of resource and budget. A right fucking bundle of fun he sounds. Why do I call him a screamer…well to say he’s slightly effeminate is like calling Elton John slightly gay or even slightly bald. Now I’m NOT homophobic, but when you’re a bloke you can tell the screaming queens immediately and in my mind this bloke makes Dale Winton look as hard as nails.

So this was Screamers idea (I kid you not)

We are not Operationally effective or efficient.

We are performing well.

But we are not performing at our Optimal Operational Performance Ceiling

We need a plan.

In fact we need several plans.

We need a Project Plan showing in depth details of projects we are committed to.

We need a High Level Project Plan containing only high level details of the same projects

We need a Support Plan

We need a Business as Usual Plan

We need Team Plans

We need individual team member plans

We need a Strategy Plan which lists the strategies of each team function

We need a Roadmap Plan

We need a Skills Development Plan

We need a Contingency Plan for unknowns

All of these will then act as feeds into the Resource Pool Plan….

Which in turn feeds into a Budget Plan

Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

Does it rhyme with “he must be a right trucking banker”?

Or does it rhyme with “ stupid runt”?

I am now in the world of Planning. I am a Planner. Everything is fine if we have a plan. The world is good if it has a Plan. I need to sort out and update my Life Plan.

So do you….

So does everyone...

Plans are good. Plans will save me. Plans will save you. We need more Plans.

I need a lie down.......

Later, GrocerPlan.

Miserable bastard……

The mysterious Pen fairy is now plaguing me at work. When I want a pen I go to the pen pot on my desk…and there’s fuck all there. Perhaps there’s a national pen shortage I’m not aware of and therefore people are hoarding them with a view to selling them on eBay at enormous profits.

So, why am I miserable? Because a few pens have gone missing? Because I’m skint after the real Christmas cost is hitting home and the old bank account is looking very……sparse? Because The Mysterious M is on holiday and I can’t avoid receiving crap work from The Sandman? Because I live in a work world that is an utterly fucked collage of complete bollocks?

Nope – its because some Swedish cunt of a referee cost my beloved Chelsea a victory against Barca-fucking-lona last night. We lost to Newcastle in the FA Cup on Sunday – fine – I’ll take a fair defeat like a man, or at least as best a footie fan can, which means there’s always a whinge. But when some self-preening, photo happy, attention seeking, Napoleonic mannered fuckwit makes totally shite decisions like sending off Didier Drogba in the second half of a pulsating match then I get annoyed. Annoyed doesn’t cover it…red descended mist is more like 15 coats of red gloss over my eyes.....I am fucking furious.

Livid…..

Murderous…..

Boiling....

Raging….

The decision was scandalous because Drogba was going for a 50-50 ball with the goalkeeper. Drogba got the ball first but he and the goalkeeper collided each collapsing under the combined momentum of their efforts to get the ball. Cue Anders Frisk Prick, running over to brandish a second yellow card at Drogba, despite the first one being dished out for another innocuous challenge. I’m sure the fact that opposing coach Frank “Grolly Gobber” Rijkaard paid the ref a little “hospitality” visit at half time had nothing to do with it. He’s a striker for fucks sake – it’s his job to challenge for the ball. In the English premiership both challenges would have been dealt with by a ticking off from the ref AT MOST! But in the world of Euro-Ballet-Pansy-Gay-Amateur Dramatics football the goalkeeper goes down in a similar vein to Willem Dafoe in Platoon. Blimey the only thing missing was Barbers Adagio for Strings being played over the PA in The Nou Camp stadium. The balance of the game was changed after that, and despite leading 1-0, we were battered by them as they took full advantage of the numerical imbalance of 11 versus 10. Inevitably they equalized, and just as inevitably they scored to lead 2-1 and for 25 minutes they rained in attack after attack. It’s a credit to The Mighty Blues that we kept the score at 2-1. And in the cold light of day it’s a good result, because we have the away goal, and a return leg at Stamford bridge in which a 1-0 win will see us through. But the sting is that the magnificent Drogba will be suspended for that game, and we have no-one left who can score goals. It’s going to be tough, but if Frisk is the referee for the return game then I would suggest he gets a police escort in and out of the UK, let alone Stanford Bridge. Cunt is not a word I use often, but in this case it’s the ONLY word that can be used to describe him

Oh, and one last thing. Didier Drogba was very upset at the decision, understandably and for those who don’t know – he’s black. As he left the pitch he was subject to the usual Spanish Fuckwit Racist Bigot Shitnecks monkey chants. This despite the fact that 3 or 4 Barcelona players are black. So they’re fucking thick as well.

And what have UEFA said about this………..yeah….. Fuck All. So they’re cunts as well.

Spain has a long way to go to reach the level of civilisation that we enjoy. I am not saying we don’t have racists. But I can’t recall ever having heard a racist comment at Chelsea for many many years.

Not happy. And not apologising to anybody for this rant. Its cathartic.

Later, GrocerJack.

Black Holes........

My house has become a black hole for various objects. By this I mean that the very things I want to use are never there. They have disappeared. They have ceased to exist.

Pens:

I bring home pens from work. Yes, I know technically this is stealing, but we're talking a dozen or so Bic biros so for fucks sake get real. I then place some in the container by the phone in the living room and some in the "desk tidy" (thanks Betterware) in the study by the main PC. So how come when someone calls and I need to note down a number or message I can never find a pen! The lovely fully working Bic Biros have all been replaced by blunt pencils or dried up gel pens. Are Teenager and baby running a pen racket at school? Is GMD giving them away to friends and neighbours?

Batteries:

I buy batteries for things such as remote controls, toys, cameras etc. Sensibly I buy in bulk so as to assure the presence of spares when required at a vital TV Channel turning over moment. Yep, you've guessed it, when I need one they've all gone. Mysteriously no-one else in the house knows where they are. Why is this?

Brita Filtered Water:

I bought one of these because I am tight-fisted. I want filtered water, but not something that needs attaching to the plumbing of the house. I fill it up, leave it for two hours to chill the water nicely for subsequent pouring into a long glass, with a dash of lemon juice or some Blackcurrant squash (because all other squash is crap). But when I go to the fridge, all that is there is an empty, but very cold water container. Again, no-one seems to know why this has happened.

Remote Controls:

Nine in total – 3 downstairs for the TV, DVD and Cable plus 6 upstairs for the various TV, Cable and DVD bits of kit. So why is the one I need always missing? Why does no-one else in the house know anything about the whereabouts of the one I want?

Sweets, biscuits and chocolate:

I know there are copious amounts of these dotted around the house. I also know I buy some to munch at a quiet moment. Something like a nice Plain chocolate digestive, or a packet of wine gums….or a bar of Fruit and Nut. Yep, you’ve guessed it. They disappear into the black hole existing somewhere in the core of my house.

I’ve now got to the point where I hide pens and batteries, stash biscuits and sweets. I buy bottled mineral water because the kids don’t like it. I am turning into this miserly person who resents buying things that are consumed by others, leaving none for me? Is this normal?

Later, Grocerjack.

This is another truth about women - this picture denotes Control Settings. Would anyone really deny this? Later GrocerJack

I have one or two of these - its nothing personal girls...honest.....Click on the picture to enlarge it and make it easier on your eye.

Later, GrocerJack

Diseases II

Time for a whinge.And this time its about an additional disease that is plaguing the country and for all I know the world. Its the disease of Apologism.

This disease is spread by sanctimonious journalists and do gooders suffering in a lot of cases from the previously mentioned Hypocrisitis. The symptoms of the disease take the form of hysterical rantings about the descendants or successors of people or organisations to apologise for the actions of people or organisations which have gone before us. Personally I find this disease nauseating and am sick of the clamour in the press and broadcast media for apologies for previous actions. Here are some examples

Twat poet Benjamin Zepheniah demanding apologies from the Queen and/or the Government for slavery. Slavery was a heinous method of control and suppression, but what the fuck has it got to do with us in modern society? It was abolished hundreds of years ago as sanity and reason won the argument against those who sanctioned it. But todays monarch and todays PM weren't born then. Neither was I, so why should I feel fucking guilty about it. I wasn't there, I didn't do it..honest. What power is divested in them or me to apologise on behalf of dead people? Slavery was regrettable, but we didn't personally sanction it or take part in it. So no apology please - if those who are guilty want to apologise then let them visit us from their spiritual existence and do it.

German politiicans demanding The Queen apologise for the bombing of Dresden during WWII. Hmmmm....so they start a war, kill millions across Europe, instigate the genocide of 6 million Jews and then 50 odd years later want us to apologise for giving them the same tratment they dished out to London, Portsmouth, Coventry............See where I'm going here?

Jews demanding apologies from the government for NOT bombing Auschwitz during the war. Hmmm...even if it could be categorically proven that the British Government did know of the atrocities, one can only wonder what these very people would be saying now. Probably berating us for the bombing and killing of innocent Jewish people already living a hellish existence in a concentration camp. Again, why should we apologise fo something our forebears did NOT do? The decisions taken at the time were weighed up and taken honestly. If they wrong then so be it...but they were not anti-semtic or malicious. IT WASN'T OUR fAULT.

The Guildford Four/Birmingham Six. Appalling miscarriages of justice which have undoubtedly wrecked lives. But what is it to do with Tony Blair? The government didn't sentence them, the judges did. The government didn't find them guilty, the juries did. The government didn't arrest them, the police did. What the governement did do was re-open the cases when the new evidence was uncovered. I have no doubt someone should apologise, maybe the Lord Chief Justice of the time if alive, or the investigating officers and jurors if still around. But NOT the government, and not Tony Blair, who was barely out of school when this happened. I would have thought the respective families should be thanking the government for allowing justice to take its course as compelling evidence became available.

Ken Livingstone should apologise to the jewish London Evening Standard hack who decided to have a pop at him. Why? Ken Livingstone is a popular Mayor, elected by substantial majority and likely to do so again. He has campaigned tirelessly against racism, sexism and inequality etc for years. He has suffered the bile and poisonous diatribes from this rag and its national daily sister paper - The Daily Facist for 30 years. Yet like the hypocrites they are they howl with indignation the minute they get some of their own back. And they accuse him of being anti-semitic! I would question any journalist who is jewish and works for either rag when you consider the papers histories and links with facism. By the way, if I insult someone who is jewish, perhaps calling them a useless cunt based on their total fuckwittery at work ....does that automatically mean I'm anti-semitic? Are jewish people so saintly that they never do any wrong and can never be criticised? Or is that what the press want to stir up? The use of the phrase "anti-semitic" is too easily banded about ...as is the racist tag applied to anyone who questions or criticises someone of colour. Some Jews are thick, some Christians are ignorant, some black people are prejudiced. The conditions are human, not colour or creed based. It's the nature of the Homo Sapien beast I'm afraid.

Boris Johnson apologising to whiny scousers because he had the temerity to state what a lot of people thought about the unswerving ability of Liverpool to oversentimentalise when a son or daughjer of the city dies. This was brought to the fore by the events surrounding Ken Bigley, an unfortunate man beheaded by terrorist thugs in Iraq. But lets get one thing straight - he was there for the money, not for the good of the Iraqi people, and he spurned the security arrangements offered to all foreign workers "helping" rebuild the country. Boris may be a bumbling fuckwit but he got this criticism of Liverpool spot on.

I could go on, but I feel my point is made. We have become a world where we can only accept our own victimhood culture, a world where we demand the sympathy and apology of those who contribute to our circumstances as if it makes any difference to the events gone previously.

We have to find a scapegoat. For all I know one of my distant ancestors may have committed some horrendous acts on less fortunate people and in todays society of apologism and it's associated victimhood culture perhaps I am expected to bear some responsibility to those families to whom this may have happened. Yeah...right. Should I apologise for that now they're dead? Someone would be waiting a long fucking time for me to do that......

Later, UnashamedUnapologeticJack