What a load of bollocks.....
I don't mean to sound like a killjoy...but after one hour of watching the BBC's Children in Need I want to slice the top of my skull off, open the lid and scoop my brains into an acid filled food processor using a rusty ice cream scoop and switch it on whilst open to fully scatter them around the room. I have no qualms about the cause which is worthy enough, but to inflict it via a TV programme of such shocking amateurism and banality is beyond the Pudsey pale. So far tonight, I have watched Westlife perform some old song whilst dressed in DJ's, perhaps pre-emepting a move into the "music for old people" arena, where Old People's homes can be filled with the delights of these five knobbers singing their safe bollocks shite all night. Then Natasha Bedingfield.....what a looker, but what a piss poor performance from Stirling Castle...whats up love (duck for those in the Mansfield area) ..a bit too cold for you. At least put some fucking effort in. Christ even Baby said "whats up with her voice, can't she sing louder?". Rolf Harris did his Jake the Peg routine which bought back memories of an innocent period in Jacks life, when Rolf had his own Saturday night peak time entertainment show, featuring his resident dance troupe "The Young Generation". I liked that bit and I even convinced Baby that he really did have three legs.......or maybe she was stringing me along....just to humour her Dad. Can a 9 year old have a concept of humouring someone?
Then I finally gave up when they staged a faux version of that hoary old chestnut "Blankety Blank". It may be my perception but throughout the whole night I got the distinct impression that Terry Wogan
1.) hates Gabby Roslin - his co-presenter
2.) is sick of doing this
3.) has become an old curmudgeon
4.) is a parody of himself
5.) is not, and never was funny
Blankety Blank was unfunny, amateurish rubbish. That wa s 10 years ago, but this one tonight was 10 times worse! it was an utterly complete, fucked up collage of total knob cheese bollocks. Even the sublime talents of Jon Culshaw and Jan Ravens couldn't rescue this knocked together insult to my intelligence and sense of humour..
So , before my weekly appointment with several pints of overpriced Guinness in underfilled glasses I felt the need to eject some much built up internal vitriol. A message to the BBC - If you want to get people to phone in and pledge then for fucks sake stop broadcasting this complacent, formulaic, ham-fisted, unfunny, patronising bollocks. Put some fucking effort in and you'll get loads of doantions, but if you think people are going to pledge money to watch any old dog turd sketches and "artistes" you are going to be very wrong, very soon.
Later GrocerJack
Friday, 19 November 2004
Wednesday, 17 November 2004
Newsflash......
According to Reuters, the body of an unnamed sad old man with long white hair, and a white beard has been found on the beach at the resort of Torremelinos. He was clutching a carefully folded red suit with white trim. Witnesses have said he had been walking down the beach earlier in the evening.eating a mince pie and swigging from a bottle of Sherry. He was sobbing as he did so. Police do not consider the death to be suspicious.
Later, GrocerJack
According to Reuters, the body of an unnamed sad old man with long white hair, and a white beard has been found on the beach at the resort of Torremelinos. He was clutching a carefully folded red suit with white trim. Witnesses have said he had been walking down the beach earlier in the evening.eating a mince pie and swigging from a bottle of Sherry. He was sobbing as he did so. Police do not consider the death to be suspicious.
Later, GrocerJack
Christmas......in the 21st Century....
Dear Jack the Grocer,
Welcome to this, the first in a series of communications direct from the newly formed Santargos Corporation (TM) . Yes, in case you hadn't heard Santa's whole operation (formerly known as Santa Claus/Father Christmas Ltd) was recently acquired by a consortium of Great Universal Stores (GUS), the company behind Argos and Associated Newspapers, proprietors of The Dail Mail and The London Evening Standard. Yep, Argos, the high street name associated with quality and great service and the Daily Mail, the voice of reason in a morally bankrupt world!
Of course you can expect to see exciting changes in the whole Santargos Corp (TM) operation as we strive to bring you, our cherished and valued customer, greater levels of quality, choice, value and convenience. To start with, we're extending the Santargos Corp (TM) festive season to run from the 31st January through until January 2nd each year. As a valued and cherished, and frankly....loved customer, you can expect to receive special notifications on our year round Christmas Special offers. We'll invite you to special monthly Christmas Gift presentations at our Argos Superstores where you can view our new product lines starting in February! You can order whilst you sip at your free glass of Lambrini, and savour the delights of our cheese nibbles! And if you order online, then we'll guarantee delivery in time for the big day - December 25th* . And for you , dear Customer, we have negotiated a special offer on payment. Yes, you'll barely believe it, but with the readership coverage of The Daily Mail and The Evening Standard we can offer the new Santargos (TM) card, backed up by HSBC with a never to be repeated special interest rate of 1.5% (dpr) and payment terms up to 5 years per item ** .
During this exciting time we will be making changes to our own technology systems and replacing the legacy systems with investments in state of the art , leading edge technology solutions in order to deliver great value, quality, the benefits of our globally leveraged synergies and most of all choice, to you Oh Great and Revered customer.
The first thing you'll notice is the changeover from writing letters to a remote address in some god forbidden, snow ridden outpost in Lapland with your orders to a brand new 24 hour/7 day a week on-line ordering system operating straight in the heart of our massive warehouse just outside Birmingham...now that's UK local! Around the world we will be franchising the same operations to our major global partners, in the US for example we'll be partnering with Wal-Mart, in France it will be Geant. No more fretting over childrens piss poor handwriting...just shove a keyboard into their hands, or a 3G mobile phone and they can order by the click of a mouse over a pretty picture of the toy they want. And because you'll have registered your darling little ones on our database, they can order on your card whilst your not there! Less fuss and worry for you! Our existing highly motivated, customer focussed Birmingham based workforce will replace the legacy one , so you can feel happy in the knowledge that there'll be no more exploitation of vertically challenged people in the production and delivery of your gifts. We can reduce our costs in this way because our Midlands based higly skilled workforce are all on, or just above the minimum wage. We care about our staff, so they care about you! And if all else fails you can call our dedicated Customer Service helpline*** and get a personal touch to your order.
Our extensive fleet of diesel powered vehicles, partnered with our global logistics corporation using the reach of Federal Expess and DHL, and their fleets of Kerosene sucking aircraft means no more exploitation of Reindeer, especially the nasally glowing ones! You see, we care about people, animals and the environment. No more Reindeer faeces on the street or sledge marks on your roof!
No longer will one old man try to cover the world and suffer the discomfort of climbing down chimneys. No, the real Santa is enjoying his new retirement with his wife and has invested in a bar in Torremelinos, so he can enjoy the sun and warmth in his doitage. Better not wear that suit out there Santa (as we've copyrighted it and you would need to pay a licence fee to wear it anyway). From now on we will employ rehabilitated former prisoners to operate a global Grotto franchise in specially chosen retail outlets across the globe. Adults and kids welcome! **** So we're even helping the aged and doing more for society by employing the unemployable.
We hope you will remain a cherished, adored and frankly worshipped customer, and that you enjoy all the benefits on offer from Santargos Corp (TM) and we sincerely look forward to your continuing business with us.
Yours forever, whether you like it or not,
B. Elzeebub
President and Global Leader
Santargos Corporation (TM)
*Santargos reserve the right to alter this this date periodically and without sufficient notice - only valid if ordered and paid for 6 months in advance so that we can rake in the interest on your money. We cannot guarantee delivery of the correct items, in working condition or at a date and time we might specify. We reserve the right to lie in all our communications with you.
** Terms and conditions apply - you must be over 35, be a registered taxpayer, men must have at least a 6 inch dick, women should be well fit and willing, but no Bunnyboilers please or general dogs. Gorgeous lesbians who like men as well will be automatically granted a credit facility but old Bull Dykes and Screaming Queens will not. No Muslims please in case you decide to dismantle gifts into component parts for bombs or just want something nice for OBL. No socialists. Disabled and diseased people are welcome to apply...no promises though in case you don't live that long! We reserve the right to impose any financial penalty we like at any time and we will arbitrarily increase your limit in order to help you spend more with us, irrespective of your capability to repay us . Note - dpr = daily percentage rate!
*** The line will be open for 2 hours per 24 hour period, the times of which will not be published beforehand. Calls will be charged at £2.00 per 30 second period and will be rounded up where relevant. Min call charge £10. Your call may be held in a queue whilst we play some god-forsaken fucking shite bland pop music to you, or possibly even "Simply having a Wonderful Christmas Time" if we're feeling particularly vindictive. Your call may eventually be answered by a complete brain dead lobotomised fuckwit reading from a fucking script which removes any hint of personality or intellignece from the agent. Our computer system will probably be off line for vital maintenance when you call. Your call will be recorded for training purposes, or so that we can play it back at our Xmas party and laugh our heads off at your gullibility. If your call is abusive then we will use it to nail you in court to teach you a fucking lesson.
**** No poor people please, or Council House tenants. Students can also fuck off because they are tax dodging sponging bastards. Union members are welcome providing they sign an affadavit resigning their union membership. OAPS should ask a relative to attend on their behalf to avoid any piss smelling or dribbling embarassments.
***** Later, GrocerJack
Dear Jack the Grocer,
Welcome to this, the first in a series of communications direct from the newly formed Santargos Corporation (TM) . Yes, in case you hadn't heard Santa's whole operation (formerly known as Santa Claus/Father Christmas Ltd) was recently acquired by a consortium of Great Universal Stores (GUS), the company behind Argos and Associated Newspapers, proprietors of The Dail Mail and The London Evening Standard. Yep, Argos, the high street name associated with quality and great service and the Daily Mail, the voice of reason in a morally bankrupt world!
Of course you can expect to see exciting changes in the whole Santargos Corp (TM) operation as we strive to bring you, our cherished and valued customer, greater levels of quality, choice, value and convenience. To start with, we're extending the Santargos Corp (TM) festive season to run from the 31st January through until January 2nd each year. As a valued and cherished, and frankly....loved customer, you can expect to receive special notifications on our year round Christmas Special offers. We'll invite you to special monthly Christmas Gift presentations at our Argos Superstores where you can view our new product lines starting in February! You can order whilst you sip at your free glass of Lambrini, and savour the delights of our cheese nibbles! And if you order online, then we'll guarantee delivery in time for the big day - December 25th* . And for you , dear Customer, we have negotiated a special offer on payment. Yes, you'll barely believe it, but with the readership coverage of The Daily Mail and The Evening Standard we can offer the new Santargos (TM) card, backed up by HSBC with a never to be repeated special interest rate of 1.5% (dpr) and payment terms up to 5 years per item ** .
During this exciting time we will be making changes to our own technology systems and replacing the legacy systems with investments in state of the art , leading edge technology solutions in order to deliver great value, quality, the benefits of our globally leveraged synergies and most of all choice, to you Oh Great and Revered customer.
The first thing you'll notice is the changeover from writing letters to a remote address in some god forbidden, snow ridden outpost in Lapland with your orders to a brand new 24 hour/7 day a week on-line ordering system operating straight in the heart of our massive warehouse just outside Birmingham...now that's UK local! Around the world we will be franchising the same operations to our major global partners, in the US for example we'll be partnering with Wal-Mart, in France it will be Geant. No more fretting over childrens piss poor handwriting...just shove a keyboard into their hands, or a 3G mobile phone and they can order by the click of a mouse over a pretty picture of the toy they want. And because you'll have registered your darling little ones on our database, they can order on your card whilst your not there! Less fuss and worry for you! Our existing highly motivated, customer focussed Birmingham based workforce will replace the legacy one , so you can feel happy in the knowledge that there'll be no more exploitation of vertically challenged people in the production and delivery of your gifts. We can reduce our costs in this way because our Midlands based higly skilled workforce are all on, or just above the minimum wage. We care about our staff, so they care about you! And if all else fails you can call our dedicated Customer Service helpline*** and get a personal touch to your order.
Our extensive fleet of diesel powered vehicles, partnered with our global logistics corporation using the reach of Federal Expess and DHL, and their fleets of Kerosene sucking aircraft means no more exploitation of Reindeer, especially the nasally glowing ones! You see, we care about people, animals and the environment. No more Reindeer faeces on the street or sledge marks on your roof!
No longer will one old man try to cover the world and suffer the discomfort of climbing down chimneys. No, the real Santa is enjoying his new retirement with his wife and has invested in a bar in Torremelinos, so he can enjoy the sun and warmth in his doitage. Better not wear that suit out there Santa (as we've copyrighted it and you would need to pay a licence fee to wear it anyway). From now on we will employ rehabilitated former prisoners to operate a global Grotto franchise in specially chosen retail outlets across the globe. Adults and kids welcome! **** So we're even helping the aged and doing more for society by employing the unemployable.
We hope you will remain a cherished, adored and frankly worshipped customer, and that you enjoy all the benefits on offer from Santargos Corp (TM) and we sincerely look forward to your continuing business with us.
Yours forever, whether you like it or not,
B. Elzeebub
President and Global Leader
Santargos Corporation (TM)
*Santargos reserve the right to alter this this date periodically and without sufficient notice - only valid if ordered and paid for 6 months in advance so that we can rake in the interest on your money. We cannot guarantee delivery of the correct items, in working condition or at a date and time we might specify. We reserve the right to lie in all our communications with you.
** Terms and conditions apply - you must be over 35, be a registered taxpayer, men must have at least a 6 inch dick, women should be well fit and willing, but no Bunnyboilers please or general dogs. Gorgeous lesbians who like men as well will be automatically granted a credit facility but old Bull Dykes and Screaming Queens will not. No Muslims please in case you decide to dismantle gifts into component parts for bombs or just want something nice for OBL. No socialists. Disabled and diseased people are welcome to apply...no promises though in case you don't live that long! We reserve the right to impose any financial penalty we like at any time and we will arbitrarily increase your limit in order to help you spend more with us, irrespective of your capability to repay us . Note - dpr = daily percentage rate!
*** The line will be open for 2 hours per 24 hour period, the times of which will not be published beforehand. Calls will be charged at £2.00 per 30 second period and will be rounded up where relevant. Min call charge £10. Your call may be held in a queue whilst we play some god-forsaken fucking shite bland pop music to you, or possibly even "Simply having a Wonderful Christmas Time" if we're feeling particularly vindictive. Your call may eventually be answered by a complete brain dead lobotomised fuckwit reading from a fucking script which removes any hint of personality or intellignece from the agent. Our computer system will probably be off line for vital maintenance when you call. Your call will be recorded for training purposes, or so that we can play it back at our Xmas party and laugh our heads off at your gullibility. If your call is abusive then we will use it to nail you in court to teach you a fucking lesson.
**** No poor people please, or Council House tenants. Students can also fuck off because they are tax dodging sponging bastards. Union members are welcome providing they sign an affadavit resigning their union membership. OAPS should ask a relative to attend on their behalf to avoid any piss smelling or dribbling embarassments.
***** Later, GrocerJack
Friday, 12 November 2004
Letter to the real Santa................
Dear Santa, It's been a few years since I wrote to you. Argos seem determined to fuck my Christmas shopping order up for me. Whilst I endeavour to deal politely in my negotiations with the seemingly endless stream of brain dead moronic fuckwits who I am passed between at their laughingly titled Customer Service Centre , I thought that as a contingency I might make some suggestions as to what I would like as an alternative to my Argos list. Please note this will not include any DVD's, CD's or books because Amazon UK have splendidly dented my techno-cynicism by confirming my order for 20 odd differing items today will be despatched, in one go on November 26th, catering nicely for the items yet to be released to us mere proletariat. Of course they still have to arrive, but it augers well so far.
1.) Delete 1 x Phillips PET700 Portable DVD player @ £199.99 and replace with Betterware essential Home Hair Cutting kit @ £14.99 and the Haircut Hair Catcher @ £4.99 Net saving £181.00 (GMD will be pleased...yet more labour saving devices for her to use...and will she br grateful...will she bollocks)
2.) Delete 1 x Fujifilm A340 Digital Camera and 128Mb memory card @ £189.98 combined and replace with Betterware Mini-Digital camera @ £7.99, (after all a digital camera is a digital camera right?) Net Saving £181.99.
3.) Delete 1 x Samsung Digimax 202 Digital camera and 64Mb memory card @ £119.98 combined and replace with Betterware Mini-Digital camera @ £7.99. Net saving £111.99. I'm sure Baby won't notice the difference.
4.) Delete 1 x Carmen Party Girls Nails @£24.99 and replace with Betterware Soft Touch Toenail Pliers with free bonus wooden foot file @ £7.99, and hell... lets push the boat out and shove the halitosis and plaque preventing Tongue Cleaner in as well @ £2.99. Net saving £14.01.
I make that an overall saving of around £ 488.99, which means I have some money to spend on these essential items........
10 x packs of Betterware finger sleeves (10) , to provide relief from finger pain caused by everyday actions like writing, sewing, nose picking, arse scratching, fanny scratching and knob adjusting. £4.99
1 x Betterware Fabric Shaver for removing those oh-so-troublesome bobbles from jumpers and curtains. £11.99
1 x Betterware Potato Storage Bag with in-built potato sprouting prevention technology. £3.99
1 x Betterware Pickle Grabber. No more hassle getting those pickles out of the jar! One for Grand Master perhaps. £2.99
1 x Betterware Pen With built in Radio,. No more being bored whilst writing. IThey can listen to the radio through the headphones at the same time! £12.99
1 x Betterware Toilet Roll Container. So I won't be embarassed by having my arse paper on display. I can hide it in this discrete but tasteful container! £5.99
1 x Betterware Wooden Remote Control holder. Never lose the remote controls again...actually this really would be useful. £5.99
Many thanks Mr. Claus for reading this new list. If you have any issues then you can contact your local Betterware distributor on the number stuck to the catalogue. Oh by the way, please stop your reindeers from shitting on my lawn if possible,and when I leave you a Single Malt, don't mix it with Coke you heathen.
Later , Grocerjack
Dear Santa, It's been a few years since I wrote to you. Argos seem determined to fuck my Christmas shopping order up for me. Whilst I endeavour to deal politely in my negotiations with the seemingly endless stream of brain dead moronic fuckwits who I am passed between at their laughingly titled Customer Service Centre , I thought that as a contingency I might make some suggestions as to what I would like as an alternative to my Argos list. Please note this will not include any DVD's, CD's or books because Amazon UK have splendidly dented my techno-cynicism by confirming my order for 20 odd differing items today will be despatched, in one go on November 26th, catering nicely for the items yet to be released to us mere proletariat. Of course they still have to arrive, but it augers well so far.
1.) Delete 1 x Phillips PET700 Portable DVD player @ £199.99 and replace with Betterware essential Home Hair Cutting kit @ £14.99 and the Haircut Hair Catcher @ £4.99 Net saving £181.00 (GMD will be pleased...yet more labour saving devices for her to use...and will she br grateful...will she bollocks)
2.) Delete 1 x Fujifilm A340 Digital Camera and 128Mb memory card @ £189.98 combined and replace with Betterware Mini-Digital camera @ £7.99, (after all a digital camera is a digital camera right?) Net Saving £181.99.
3.) Delete 1 x Samsung Digimax 202 Digital camera and 64Mb memory card @ £119.98 combined and replace with Betterware Mini-Digital camera @ £7.99. Net saving £111.99. I'm sure Baby won't notice the difference.
4.) Delete 1 x Carmen Party Girls Nails @£24.99 and replace with Betterware Soft Touch Toenail Pliers with free bonus wooden foot file @ £7.99, and hell... lets push the boat out and shove the halitosis and plaque preventing Tongue Cleaner in as well @ £2.99. Net saving £14.01.
I make that an overall saving of around £ 488.99, which means I have some money to spend on these essential items........
10 x packs of Betterware finger sleeves (10) , to provide relief from finger pain caused by everyday actions like writing, sewing, nose picking, arse scratching, fanny scratching and knob adjusting. £4.99
1 x Betterware Fabric Shaver for removing those oh-so-troublesome bobbles from jumpers and curtains. £11.99
1 x Betterware Potato Storage Bag with in-built potato sprouting prevention technology. £3.99
1 x Betterware Pickle Grabber. No more hassle getting those pickles out of the jar! One for Grand Master perhaps. £2.99
1 x Betterware Pen With built in Radio,. No more being bored whilst writing. IThey can listen to the radio through the headphones at the same time! £12.99
1 x Betterware Toilet Roll Container. So I won't be embarassed by having my arse paper on display. I can hide it in this discrete but tasteful container! £5.99
1 x Betterware Wooden Remote Control holder. Never lose the remote controls again...actually this really would be useful. £5.99
Many thanks Mr. Claus for reading this new list. If you have any issues then you can contact your local Betterware distributor on the number stuck to the catalogue. Oh by the way, please stop your reindeers from shitting on my lawn if possible,and when I leave you a Single Malt, don't mix it with Coke you heathen.
Later , Grocerjack
Is Christmas near then?
A pub in Winchester has it's Christmas lights up. I saw it last night on my way home. Then as I drove past the Village Pottery I noticed they had theirs on as well. So it must already be December then? I must dash off and get some new bells for my sleigh, and collect my favourite red suit from Sketchley's. .Ho Ho fucking ho.
In a future post the things that make my Christmas Hell and my Christmas Heaven.
Later GrocerSanta
A pub in Winchester has it's Christmas lights up. I saw it last night on my way home. Then as I drove past the Village Pottery I noticed they had theirs on as well. So it must already be December then? I must dash off and get some new bells for my sleigh, and collect my favourite red suit from Sketchley's. .Ho Ho fucking ho.
In a future post the things that make my Christmas Hell and my Christmas Heaven.
Later GrocerSanta
Thursday, 11 November 2004
Enough......
With this happiness! With this contentment!
Argos fucked up my Christmas shopping order, so therefore my faith in the unswerving inability of technology to provide for my needs in this wireless, on-line, digital, mobile, infomation rich, multi-media, video on demand, business on demand, eco-friendly, energy efficient, recyclable, organic, just in time, secured server and broadband enabled world is restored.
Now, where's that fucking Betterware catalogue.........
Later GrocerJack
With this happiness! With this contentment!
Argos fucked up my Christmas shopping order, so therefore my faith in the unswerving inability of technology to provide for my needs in this wireless, on-line, digital, mobile, infomation rich, multi-media, video on demand, business on demand, eco-friendly, energy efficient, recyclable, organic, just in time, secured server and broadband enabled world is restored.
Now, where's that fucking Betterware catalogue.........
Later GrocerJack
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